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HTHGS: Intercourse

Ask Alex,
I'm a 33 year old male and my question concerns sex drive.  I started having sex regularly since the age of 20 and all that time I have never found sexual intercourse to be exciting nor satisfying.  I find masturbation to be quite satisfying but only when I can look at pictures, watch movies or read sex stories alone.  I have had a partner that masturbated me with lubricant while telling me erotic stories that I found kinda exciting but not enough to crave for.  I have made a lot of personal advancement about this and I believe that masturbating a lot for me is not a cause but a consequence of my unsatisfying sexual intercours.  What would you recommend me to do to gain sex drive during sexual intercourse and finally have a satisfying sexuality with a partner? Thanks a lot.

Dear Stephane, 
From the sounds of your letter, it seems to me that your sex drive is fine.  The issue that you are having seems more likely to relate to your communication skills.  From your letter, I am left wondering what your conversations with your partner(s) are like.  Have your really communicated to her what turns you on? What are your teaching methods? What does a teaching moment look like?  Does she really know what turns you on? While I firmly believe that masturbation is wonderful, exciting and pleasurable, two-person sex offers an element of surprise that solo-sex could never do. In two-person sex, you are not in control.  Furthermore, two-person sex offers twice the number of hands and mouths to do things that you could never begin to do alone. Imagine masturbating, while she is sucking on the tip of your penis.

This tip was originally written by Alex Robboy, LSW



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 19, 2006