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Past Tips


Sex for the first time
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

  • Sex for the first time (written by Kelly Connell MS.Ed)
  • Having sex with a virgin (written by Kelly Connell MS.Ed)  

  • How to make sex hurt less  (written by Kelly Connell, MS.Ed.)

  • Extreme pain (written by Kelly Connell, MS.Ed)

  • My boyfriend is a virgin (written by Kelly Connell, MS.Ed)

  • Intercourse (written by other sexperts)

HTHGS:  Sex for the first time (written by Kelly Connell MS.Ed)

Dear Kelly,
I am about to have sex for the first time with my girlfriend. I am nervous as hell because I am virgin and I am not sure what to do. I would like for you to give me advice on just what should I do and how to do it. Sincerely, Ryan

Dear Ryan,
Having sex for the first time is a big deal. However, there are no magic formulas to make it a success.  You do not mention if our girlfriend is also a virgin.

The best advice I can give you is to take your time. Learn about each other, explore each other's bodies through touch, kissing etc.  Communication is the best ingredient for good sex. Ask her what she would like or if something you are doing feels good.  Tell her when she is pleasing you or what you would like to try.

If it is the first time for both of you, be sure to take it easy when you enter her for the first time. It may be uncomfortable for her if her hymen (a thin membrane in the vagina) has not been broken.  Make sure she is lubricated enough.

Most people do not have mind blowing sex the first time.  They are nervous and still getting to know each other and now they have a whole new way to get to know each other.

The good news is that, sex can get better and better the more you learn about each other and communicate.  It takes a lot of trust to share your body with someone so it is important that you respect each other and only engage in activities that you BOTH agree on.

If you don't want to get pregnant, be sure to use a reliable method of birth control AND condoms. Relax and let your instincts guide you. Good luck! 

Kelly Connell, MS.Ed

HTHGS:  Having sex with a virgin (written by Kelly)

Ask Kelly,
Hi I am18 years old and I need advice from someone professional about this.  Well I am not a virgin but my girlfriend is and I have never had experience with a virgin before and me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 months and 2 months ago we decided to try to have sex and finger her and everything but when it comes time to have sex the most it will go in is like and inch and it kill sher we try so many times what do I do can u please help me.

I can think of a couple of things that may be causing this problem.  You say you finger your girlfriend but you don't say for how long.  It can take more time than people realize for a woman to be physically ready to have intercourse. The vagina needs to lubricate but it also needs to open and enlarge to accommodate a penis.  So the first thing you might try is more foreplay.  Does she say she feels ready to have you inside her?  Try taking it slow, a little at a time.

Second, your girlfriend may still have her hymen in tact.  The hymen is a thin membrane inside the vagina.  Sometimes something as simple as inserting a tampon during a woman's period will break it.  Sometimes it is thinker and stronger than usual and the woman has to see a doctor and have it broken. 

This is usually not painful and only takes an office visit.  You may have heard the old wives tale about blood on the bed sheets on the wedding night being proof that the bride was a virgin.  Supposedly that was because the hymen was not ruptured until the wedding night and it caused bleeding.  When in fact, bleeding during intercourse is not a sign of virginity since the hymen can be broken so easily from everyday activities. I would recommend she make an appointment with a GYN for an exam. A woman should do this once she becomes sexually active any way and if you are not already using it, the doctor can supply you both with condoms and an effective method of birth control so you don't get pregnant.  During the exam the doctor can determine if her hymen is still in tact and if so take care of it.  If you are not 18 or over and you are concerned about confidentiality or money, you can be seen at any family planning clinic like Planned Parenthood for free and they cannot tell your parents.  Just look in the yellow pages under birth control or family planning. The main thing is to be patient. While you are waiting to see the doctor, there are other sexual activities you can enjoy. Good luck! Kelly Connell


HTHGS: How to make sex hurt less (written by Kelly Connell MS.Ed.)

Ask Kelly,
I am 18 years old and just recently had sex for the first time.  The first time we had sex, it hurt a little but then the pain went away and I was expecting it to feel good, but it didn't feel like nothing. We've have had sex five times since our first time and I still don't feel anything.  Is this normal?  Is it me or is my partner (who was also a virgin) doing something wrong?  Please help!

Dear Melissa,
What you are experiencing is a normal occurrence for many people once they become sexually active.

The pain you are describing was most likely your hymen breaking.  The hymen is a thin membrane in the vagina that all women are born with, but doesn't really serve any purpose :)  It can be broken by many things, such as inserting a tampon or finger into the vagina or even riding a bike and the woman usually never even knows this has occurred.  Many women experience a small amount of bleeding but many do not.  If the membrane is still intact when you first have sex, then it will be broken then and it may cause a little pain or discomfort.

Also keep in mind that you are just getting used to having a penis inside you and it can take a while to feel comfortable with that. Be sure you have enough foreplay.  The vagina needs to lubricate for intercourse but it also needs to open and expand.  Using a finger may help this process along and may feel pleasurable.

As far as feeling pleasurable goes...again what you are experiencing is perfectly normal for a variety of reasons.  I know there is an idea out there that the first time you have sex it is supposed to be a mind-blowing experience, but most women state their first time is not pleasurable and is often uncomfortable and even painful.  The good news is, is that it can only get better.  As you and your boyfriend continue to have sex and explore each other's bodies and what feels good it can improve. Take you time, touch each other, learn what you each like.

Many women do not get a lot of pleasure from intercourse itself.  The vagina does not have many nerve endings, so there is not a lot of stimulation.  Most women state they get a great deal of pleasure from oral sex, or having their clitoris stimulated with a tonge or finger, and this is how they reach orgasm. You did not mention whether you and your partner have tried this.

Neither you or your partner have done anything wrong.  A good, healthy sex life is something that everyone has to work at.  Try these things and if you have any more questions, please email me. By the way... I hope you are using a reliable method of birth control if you do not wish to be pregnant right now! Kelly


HTHGS: Extreme pain (written by Kelly Connell MS.Ed)

Ask Kelly,
I'm writing you because I need to know a few things!!  Please help!!  I am a 23 year old male who is going to be married to the girl of my dreams in November.  My fiancé will be 22 in April.  A few months ago we made the decision to have sex for the first time.  We were both virgins and we were so eager to move to the next level.  After about 3 times of trying not on the same day, we would try, wait a few days, try again, wait a few days. we decided to give it up for a little while.  My fiancé went through extreme pain every time and I wasn't able to go any further.

 Finally, about a month ago, we tried again.  This time is seemed to work.  Even though she was in much pain, I was able to slide inside of her further than ever and she told me to keep going.  We proceeded to have intercourse until I ejaculated in her (using a condom of course, and yes she is on BC).  She had some bleeding and soreness afterwards, but eventually this stopped.  So naturally we thought we had broken her hymen because of the bleeding.  Now a month later, this being the first time since the last time that we've gotten alone, we attempted to have sex again.  This time it did not go so well.  We tried again, but again, there was extreme pain, according to her it was worse.  I then attempted to finger her to try and stretch the opening but this did not work as she was still in pain.  Frustrated more than ever, we both gave up. I am very concerned about this as is she.  She is very worried that this is the way it's going to be every time and her confidence is beginning to fade.  We have tried to use lubrication but this doesn't seem to work.  One thing that she has told me is that she's never been able to use a tampon, that the pain is too bad.  I do know she is very small down there as my ex wasn't as small as she is.  Can you tell me anything we can do to make this go a little more smoothly?  Anything I can do at least?  We love each other so much and we want to enjoy having sex but it just isn't going the way it seems like it should.  I would appreciate your help.  Thank you so much and I will look forward to hearing from you!!  Sincerely, Justin in NC

Your fiancé needs to see a GYN to determine if her hymen has indeed been broken. Sometimes a woman's hymen is very touch and large and difficult to break completely and needs to be done by a doctor. This is not abnormal, just a physical anomaly.  That is why she may have never been able to use tampons in the past either.  Also, anytime someone, male or female has pain with intercourse, they need to see a doc and make sure nothing is physically wrong.

 It sounds like you two have tried all the right things and that you have been very patient and loving.  Sometimes, when a woman has a small vagina and a man has a large penis, it takes a few times for the vagina to learn to accommodate it. you may want to try different positions such as her getting on top where she can control the amount of penetration.  Then she can slowly take in as much of your penis as she feels comfortable with. I hope this helps! Kelly


HTHGS: My boyfriend is a virgin (Kelly Connell MS.Ed.)

Ask Kelly,
I have had sex before but my boyfriend has not.  He wants to have sex but the few times I have had sex with a virgin, I get so bored.  Plus, he is scrawny and I am a medium build, I think it would be weird. Please help me!!!! Melissa-

Dear Melissa,
First of all, being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of but sometimes when one partner is a virgin and one is not, it can be awkward when you start having sex. There are all types of bodies out there and sometimes people surprise you. You may think it may not be enjoyable because he has a "scrawny" build, but he may turn out to be the best lover you have every had. There must be some attraction there in the first place or you would not be interested in each other. If you are experienced and he is not, you may have to take the lead and tell him what you would like. Sex is something that can always get better as you learn what pleases each other and explore each other's bodies. If you think you will be bored, try something new that you have never done before. Try a different position or having sex in a different place.  Go to a hotel and have a romantic evening with room service and a bubble bath. Variety is the spice of life and it is up to BOTH partners to work to make you sex life pleasurable, no matter who has had sex before and how many times.

However, if you are having any doubts about having sex with this person then maybe you should consider waiting until you are sure it is something you want to do. Sex is not an emergency and no one ever died from not having it. You are not obligated to have sex with anyone.  You should do it when you are ready because YOU want to.  There is nothing wrong with waiting until you get to know each other better and there are other things you can do sexually besides intercourse. If you do decide to have sex remember to use a good contraceptive and condoms!

I hope this helps! Kelly Connell MS.Ed.




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"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


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