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Intercourse
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

  • Is there a right or wrong way to have sex? (written by Shan&Claude)
  • What do I need to know to have sex (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Duration of Intercourse (written by Shan &Claude)
  • Talking about sex  (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Sexual positions (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Frequency of sex (written by Shan&Claude)
  • Even more information on intercourse (written by other sexperts)
  • Relaxing during sex (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Problems with intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Sexual intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Difficulty with penetration (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Confused about penetration during intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
  • Difficulty penetrating (written by Shan & Claude)

HTHGS: Is there a right or wrong way to have sex? (written by Shan&Claude)

Ask Shannon & Claude,
My boyfriend and I have been having sex for about 3 months. Every time we have sex we use the missionary style (him on top) he is always asking me to get on top. But I have a fear of not doing it "right" or even hurting him. So I guess my question is: Is there a right and wrong way of doing it? Thanks

Dear Beth,
Make sure to communicate!  Chances are you will NOT hurt him.  Actually, many women enjoy the top because they can control the depth and speed a bit more and they can also grind their clitoris on their partner - which can be really pleasurable.  You also have a greater ability to "tease" your partner, by stopping at starting as you want.  But, to answer you question - the only wrong way to do it would be to not communicate about it!
                                                        Shan & Claude

HTHGS: What do I need to know to have sex (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan&Claude,

a) Can I penetrate her vagina for the first time or not?
b) What can be done to minimize the bleeding?
c) Should we use KY JELLY?
d) Which positions are best for the first time and to avoid the pain for the both of us?
e) What other precautions we should take which should make this a worthwhile experience. Please help me. Thanks Adam

Dear Adam,
It is great that you and your girlfriend are talking about these issues. 

We will do our best to answer what we can.  We were not sure what you meant by question (a) ≠ if she has never had intercourse before and you both are in agreement that you will be the first person for her it seems to us that you will be the first person to penetrate her.  This gets complicated because you could also be the first person to perform ďoral sexĒ on her and that does not necessarily involve penetration.  To minimize bleeding and to make this as pleasurable as possible we do recommend that you use lubrication and that both of you take your time. Take it slow, at least early on, to assure a minimum of bleeding.  Just like not all ďvirginsĒ have hymens - not all young women bleed when they have intercourse for the first time. Some women, who have inserted objects into their vaginas out of curiosity or for pleasure, may experience less bleeding because they have inserted fingers and/or other objects into their vaginas already.  You may want to discuss that option ≠ of her inserting her fingers or your fingers with lubrication to help loosen the vagina.  One last thing that we have heard, that may be of assistance, is to let her be on top and lower herself onto your penis at her speed. That would hopefully help her control the depth, speed, and pain/pleasure.  Other than that≠ keep on communicating and caring about one anotherís feelings and needs and we have no doubt that you will soon be having mutually pleasurable intercourse.  You didnít mention anything about condoms ≠ so please allow us to recommend that you use them as well.  You can get pregnant or a disease the first time!  Even virgins can have diseases!  And you may have had many partners.  Take care of her and you ≠ wear a condom! Shan & Claude

HTHGS: frequency of sex (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
I have just been married and the sex is not very good. I do not receive any sex from my husband, but before the wedding we used to have mad sex like 3 times a day and now its may be once a week or 3 times a month. What can be the problem? Do I not turn him on anymore? Please help.

Dear please help,
That is a perfectly worded question ≠ for your husband.  We will tell you that some people, especially after marriage, begin to act out scripts that we are all taught about how a married couple, husband, and wife are supposed to act.  Some people are taught early on that married people donít have much sex ≠ so even though they had a lot of sex prior to the marriage as soon as they marry they start playing the part of that role they grew up with and what they were taught.  Also, situations change and donít stay new and fresh forever.  The beginnings are usually the hottest ≠ it takes work and effort to re-create that initial excitement.  When dating people spend a lot of time getting dressed up, scheduling dates, giving compliments and so forth and then years later when they never get dressed up and never go on dates and seldom give compliments they wonder where all of the magic went!

They expect the same result when they are not putting in the same effort. 

Please do not think we are blaming you!  We are speaking generally about the differences with the beginnings of a relationship and years later.  He may very well still find you very attractive ≠ better ask him!  But, donít just ask and get an obligatory yes ≠ really sit down and talk about they frequency and intensity and what you two can do to meet both of your needs, desires, and expectations to have the sex that you both want!  It is WORTH it! Shan & Claude

 

HTHGS: Relaxing during sex (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
I am hoping you can help me. I am 20 years old, and got married 6 months ago. My husband and I still haven't had sex. We are both virgins. The reason we haven't is because I am terrified. I have always heard that it hurts really bad, and also I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was younger. I really want to do this - I feel like itís important in my marriage to have this bond. I am wondering if you could give me some advise, as to how to relax, how to make the first time better, and maybe how to look beyond my fears and see how amazing this really can be.

Just to let you know, I have never been penetrated by anything (no fingers, no tampons, nothing!) - I freeze when my husband touches the entrance to my vagina and usually I then start to cry! It seems like this is where I get stuck - I am fine up to the part where he would actually enter me. So - if you could please give me some tips, help, ANYTHING! Our 6-month anniversary is on December 9th, and I would love for us to be able to accomplish this - what a gift that would be!! Thank you in advance!  Renee

Dear Renee,
We are sorry it took us so long to respond to your wonderful question.  We are positive that you can do this!  It may take some time and some outside help ≠ but you are on your way to a beautiful and pleasurable sex life.  Questions like this will help you get there!  If the abuse that you experienced with your grandfather still bothers or haunts you ≠ you may want to seek individual therapy or we would also recommend couples counseling. 

 If you believe it impacts your current sexual relationship it may be worth exploring with a professional.  On the other hand some people experience adult-child abuse and feel that they can proceed in their relationships without any outside assistance.  There are no wrong answers ≠ you should follow how you feel.  The condition that you are describing sounds like a textbook definition of vaginismus.  We will offer you a few ideas of how to overcome this current obstacle to your sexual pleasure and experiences.  It should give you hope that vaginismus has a very high success rate in regard to being ďcured.Ē  It is psychological.  You need to know that many women have successfully and happily gotten over vaginismus.  You could see a trained sex therapist who would coach you through a variety of progressive activities that help you relax your contracted vaginal muscles.  If you want to continue trying with your husband you will have to understand a few things about intercourse.  Our culture often pollutes pleasure.  Our culture often tells people that sex is dirty, disgusting, disease and pregnancy causing, and even that it can cause emotional and psychological trauma.  If it is so bad why do they say ďsave it for the one you loveĒ?  The reality is that unfortunately some people do have negative experiences with sexuality, but sex can be a beautiful and pleasurable and incredible part if life.  It is a shame when people try to convince youngsters that sex is so disgusting and scary to stop them from having sex during their teenage years, but then the teenagers have to try to unlearn that misrepresentation and fear for the rest of their lives.  Those scare tactics are not healthy.  They are a part of sexuality but sexuality has a wonderful side that seldom gets talked about.   We mention this because we suspect that you may also have received some negative messages about sex ≠ including what happened with your grandfather.  The first thing you and your partner should do is begin an on-going open dialogue about the situation ≠ that will take a lot of the power out of the condition ≠ bring it into the light.  After that it will be much easier for you to relax and get support from your partner.  You may want to create a very relaxing space ≠ with romantic and safe decorations ≠ maybe some romantic music and set the mood and then try to insert your finger or his finger.  This progression may take some time and patience ≠ but you will need to slowly build up to accepting him into your body.  The pace will be controlled by you.  You will have final say at all times ≠ you are in control.   If you try and try and are absolutely unable to accept a finger or small sex toy and are unable to relax ≠ to the point where you feel no progress has been made ≠ you should seek a trained professional in your area because sex and sexuality are one of our greatest gifts and you should be able to participate in such joy! Shan & Claude

HTHGS: Problems with intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
I am 18 yrs old. I have had 2 sexual partners. The first time I had sex was when I was 17. It was extremely painful however I did not bleed nor did I feel a "pop". I have heard people say that some girlís hymens have already been broken by using a tampon before or playing sports or some hymens just don't break because the tissue is very tough. I do not use tampons and if it did break - wouldn't I notice a lot of blood? Is there a chance that the amount of blood each individual produces is different therefore as I only produced a small amount I might have not noticed when having sex for the first time? And if it is in fact true that some hymens just don't break what does this mean? That a man can never enter me fully? I seriously doubt my hymen hasn't been broken yet because I know for a fact I have had a full on penetration.

I am now absolutely in love with my new boyfriend and he is also deeply in love with me. However, last time we had intercourse he had difficulty entering me because my vagina felt too tight. I couldn't even insert him because it felt too tight and therefore painful. Perhaps I felt a bit uncomfortable so my muscles tensed up, that's all. But he has mentioned to me that I have always felt so tight which he doesn't mind and even loves but it makes sex uncomfortable at times and it's awkward to try out different positions. And he has also mentioned that it hurt him because I felt so tight!

We have not had sex for 3 weeks. He doesn't say but I am pretty sure he feels a bit uncomfortable because he thinks it might hurt him again.

Is my vagina just naturally small or does the opening of the vagina widens with time? I sometimes feel like my vagina opening narrows if I do not have sex for a long time but I have had 2 sexual partners - why is it still so tight?

Is there a way to make your vagina opening wider? Maybe my hymen has never been broken so that's why I am so tight? What does hymen feel like and where is it located so I can check? Thanks A

Dear A,
You are on the right track ≠ some women donít bleed and some women donít have a ďcherryĒ or hymen to ďpop.Ē  All women are different.  Some would consider you lucky that you didnít have a lot of blood during your first intercourse.  If either of you are in pain you should take a break and communicate!  Sex is supposed to be about sharing and communicating and fun and pleasure not pain and discomfort (unless you are into that sort of thing).  You may be so uncomfortable that your muscles are tightening up. 

 It is your bodyís way of saying you are not relaxed or ready.  The condition you described is often called vaginismus.  It will take relaxation to help your muscles un-clench.  It may take you or him to insert a finger or a small sex toy to help you get comfortable, feel safe, or relax.  But, the more important thing than figuring out how you are going to get his penis inside you is what you are uncomfortable about!  You should talk to him about your hesitations, reservations, discomfort and so forth before you have sex.  Many women who experience vaginismus were given very negative messages about sex and their bodies when they were young.  If you have had intercourse chances are your hymen is not intact.  There are sometimes residual pieces, but most likely your is no longer with you.  Of course there are ways of stretching you labia and lips.  Two people is not a lot by the way.  Just donít rush into stretching yourself or having more partners. 

You probably need more stimulation and patience ≠ not more stretching!  Get comfortable, communicate, start with smaller objects and build up to a penis ≠ you have time.  Donít do things in a rushed way or you wonít enjoy it and miss a lot of the experience.  Take your time ≠ nothing good ever came from rushing.  Shan & Claude

 

 

HTHGS:  Sexual intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
In about six months time we feel we will be prepared to have sexual intercourse. We will obviously take the precautions, wearing a condom and her going on the pill, I would like to know what position you would recommend for 2 first-timers.  I will be grateful for any help I can get, regards DC

Dear DC,
We are thrilled that you are both looking out for yourselves!  You are both using contraception and you are asking questions of professions in the community!  You two should be praised because if there were more teens like you we would be a much healthier and happier nation!  We will recommend two positions and let you choose.  Missionary (with you on top between her legs) is generally a comfortable position for a large portion of the masses, but we would also recommend her being on top.  Women tend to enjoy this because it has a greater chance of stimulating her clitoris and she can control the depth and speed at which the penis goes inside her and that is important because you donít want to cause her unnecessary pain.  You can put your hand on her hips to help control the motion as well.  We could recommend doing it on your heads ≠ but it will be you two actually having intercourse and will have to discover what works best for the both of you.  Hopefully, these two popular positions give you a good start on figuring out which position you are going to try.  Best of luck to you two responsible individuals.  A last bit of advice ≠donít get drunk to numb your nervousness.  On a first time like this ≠ you donít want to miss it or make a mistake with contraception because you are inebriated! Best wishes, Shan & Claude

HTHGS:  Difficulty with penetration (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
Well I am not a virgin but my girlfriend is and I have never had experience with a virgin before and me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 months and 2 months ago we decided to try to have sex and finger her and everything but when it comes time to have sex the most it will go in is like and inch and it kill her we try so many times what do I do can u please help me thank you so much....

Dear painful intercourse,
There are many good suggestions in the index about this question.  We would suggest that you read those answers.  We also suggest that you not force anything that may cause her pain.  Her first time should hopefully be wonderful and you donít want it to be a painful, fast, and pleasure-less experience for her.  We assume you care about her pleasure or you wouldnít have written.  She may just not be ready ≠ mentally or physically.  You will have to communicate with her about any hesitations or discomfort that she may have.  She may be so nervous that her vaginal walls clamp shut.  Or it just may be the newness of the situation?   If she continues to have problems or pain she may need to talk to her gynecologist or clinic counselor about the situation.  But, before that happens you both should talk to one another!   Shan & Claude

 

HTHGS: Confused about penetration during intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
I am a 20-year-old male and have had problems with having sex. The first time I had sex, penetration was easy. The following 3 times I have attempted to have sex with 3 different people I have been unable to penetrate the womenís vagina. I am extremely concerned as to why this is the case. (I do not have a small penis either) if you could help me in anyway I would greatly appreciate it thanks. 

Dear Confused,
We donít have a lot to go on with this question.  There could be any number of reasons ≠ it could be the people you are selecting, it could be lack of lubrication, it could be virtually anything.  All we can recommend is that you ask your partner(s) what is going on! Shan & Claude

 HTHGS:  Difficulty penetrating (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
My b/f and I have been going out for a while now. Itís the first time for both of us. We just recently tried having sex but for some reason I cant seem to get it in. his penis is quite thick. I donít know if thatís the problem or if its because thereís something with my hole. We tried heaps of times different positions but it just doesnít seem to work and I got a slight cut by my hole. Can u please give me some advice on this situation and tell me if its possible for my hole to be small since I m quite small and thin myself.  

Dear too tight,
Because you are small in stature his penis may in fact be too large to just ďstick in!Ē  But, with some patience and stretching we are confident that it will fit (unless his penis is wider than a babyís head!)  It may take time and slow and gentle insertion with fingers or sex toys but you should be able to stretch your vaginal opening.  If you continue to have problems your could see a sex therapist, who would actually have instruments that increase in size to help accommodate intercourse.  It will most likely just take some time ≠ in the meantime there are a lot of fun and hot stuff you can do that does not involve a penis in a vagina.  If you need any help with what that hot stuff is ≠ feel free to write back and we will explain, otherwise we assume you will have fun figuring it out!  Shan & Claude

 

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.

 

  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to alex@howtohavegoodsex.com and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 
                                                                                    

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