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Intercourse
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.
- Is there a
right or wrong way to have sex? (written by Shan&Claude)
- What do I need to
know to have sex (written by Shan & Claude)
- Duration
of Intercourse (written by
Shan &Claude)
- Talking
about sex (written by
Shan & Claude)
- Sexual
positions (written by Shan &
Claude)
- Frequency
of sex (written by Shan&Claude)
- Even
more information on intercourse (written by other
sexperts)
- Relaxing
during sex (written by Shan & Claude)
- Problems
with intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
- Sexual
intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
- Difficulty
with penetration (written by Shan & Claude)
- Confused
about penetration during intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
- Difficulty
penetrating (written by Shan & Claude)
HTHGS:
Is there a
right or wrong way to have sex? (written by Shan&Claude)
Ask Shannon & Claude,
My boyfriend and I have been having sex for about 3 months. Every time we have
sex we use the missionary style (him on top) he is always asking me to get on
top. But I have a fear of not doing it "right" or even hurting him. So
I guess my question is: Is there a right and wrong way of doing it? Thanks
Dear Beth,
Make sure to communicate! Chances are you will NOT hurt him.
Actually, many women enjoy the top because they can control the depth and speed
a bit more and they can also grind their clitoris on their partner - which can
be really pleasurable. You also have a greater ability to
"tease" your partner, by stopping at starting as you want. But,
to answer you question - the only wrong way to do it would be to not communicate
about it!
Shan
& Claude
HTHGS:
What do I need to know to have sex (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan&Claude,
a) Can I penetrate her
vagina for the first time or not?
b) What can be done to minimize the bleeding?
c) Should we use KY JELLY?
d) Which positions are best for the first time and to avoid the pain for the
both of us?
e) What other precautions we should take which should make this a worthwhile
experience. Please help me. Thanks Adam
Dear Adam,
It is great that you and your girlfriend are talking about these issues.
We
will do our best to answer what we can. We were not sure what you meant by
question (a) if she has never had intercourse before and you both are in
agreement that you will be the first person for her it seems to us that you will
be the first person to penetrate her. This gets complicated because you
could also be the first person to perform “oral sex” on her and that does
not necessarily involve penetration. To minimize bleeding and to make this
as pleasurable as possible we do recommend that you use lubrication and that
both of you take your time. Take it slow, at least early on, to assure a minimum
of bleeding. Just like not all “virgins” have hymens - not all young
women bleed when they have intercourse for the first time. Some women, who have
inserted objects into their vaginas out of curiosity or for pleasure, may
experience less bleeding because they have inserted fingers and/or other objects
into their vaginas already. You may want to discuss that option of her
inserting her fingers or your fingers with lubrication to help loosen the
vagina. One last thing that we have heard, that may be of assistance, is
to let her be on top and lower herself onto your penis at her speed. That would
hopefully help her control the depth, speed, and pain/pleasure. Other than
that keep on communicating and caring about one another’s feelings and needs
and we have no doubt that you will soon be having mutually pleasurable
intercourse. You didn’t mention anything about condoms so please
allow us to recommend that you use them as well. You can get pregnant or a
disease the first time! Even virgins can have diseases! And you may
have had many partners. Take care of her and you wear a condom! Shan
& Claude
HTHGS:
frequency of sex (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I have just been married and the sex is not very good. I do not receive any sex
from my husband, but before the wedding we used to have mad sex like 3 times a
day and now its may be once a week or 3 times a month. What can be the problem?
Do I not turn him on anymore? Please help.
Dear please help,
That is a perfectly worded question for your husband. We will tell you
that some people, especially after marriage, begin to act out scripts that we
are all taught about how a married couple, husband, and wife are supposed to
act. Some people are taught early on that married people don’t have much
sex so even though they had a lot of sex prior to the marriage as soon as
they marry they start playing the part of that role they grew up with and what
they were taught. Also, situations change and don’t stay new and fresh
forever. The beginnings are usually the hottest it takes work and
effort to re-create that initial excitement. When dating people spend a
lot of time getting dressed up, scheduling dates, giving compliments and so
forth and then years later when they never get dressed up and never go on dates
and seldom give compliments they wonder where all of the magic went!
They expect the same result
when they are not putting in the same effort.
Please
do not think we are blaming you! We are speaking generally about the
differences with the beginnings of a relationship and years later. He may
very well still find you very attractive better ask him! But, don’t
just ask and get an obligatory yes really sit down and talk about they
frequency and intensity and what you two can do to meet both of your needs,
desires, and expectations to have the sex that you both want! It is WORTH
it! Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Relaxing during sex (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I am hoping you can help me. I am 20 years old, and got married 6 months ago. My
husband and I still haven't had sex. We are both virgins. The reason we haven't
is because I am terrified. I have always heard that it hurts really bad, and
also I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was younger. I really want
to do this - I feel like it’s important in my marriage to have this bond. I am
wondering if you could give me some advise, as to how to relax, how to make the
first time better, and maybe how to look beyond my fears and see how amazing
this really can be.
Just to let you know, I
have never been penetrated by anything (no fingers, no tampons, nothing!) - I
freeze when my husband touches the entrance to my vagina and usually I then
start to cry! It seems like this is where I get stuck - I am fine up to the part
where he would actually enter me. So - if you could please give me some tips,
help, ANYTHING! Our 6-month anniversary is on December 9th, and I would love for
us to be able to accomplish this - what a gift that would be!! Thank you in
advance! Renee
Dear Renee,
We are sorry it took us so long to respond to your wonderful question. We
are positive that you can do this! It may take some time and some outside
help but you are on your way to a beautiful and pleasurable sex life.
Questions like this will help you get there! If the abuse that you
experienced with your grandfather still bothers or haunts you you may want to
seek individual therapy or we would also recommend couples counseling.
If
you believe it impacts your current sexual relationship it may be worth
exploring with a professional. On the other hand some people experience
adult-child abuse and feel that they can proceed in their relationships without
any outside assistance. There are no wrong answers you should follow
how you feel. The condition that you are describing sounds like a textbook
definition of vaginismus. We will offer you a few ideas of how to overcome
this current obstacle to your sexual pleasure and experiences. It should
give you hope that vaginismus has a very high success rate in regard to being
“cured.” It is psychological. You need to know that many women
have successfully and happily gotten over vaginismus. You could see a
trained sex therapist who would coach you through a variety of progressive
activities that help you relax your contracted vaginal muscles. If you
want to continue trying with your husband you will have to understand a few
things about intercourse. Our culture often pollutes pleasure. Our
culture often tells people that sex is dirty, disgusting, disease and pregnancy
causing, and even that it can cause emotional and psychological trauma. If
it is so bad why do they say “save it for the one you love”? The
reality is that unfortunately some people do have negative experiences with
sexuality, but sex can be a beautiful and pleasurable and incredible part if
life. It is a shame when people try to convince youngsters that sex is so
disgusting and scary to stop them from having sex during their teenage years,
but then the teenagers have to try to unlearn that misrepresentation and fear
for the rest of their lives. Those scare tactics are not healthy.
They are a part of sexuality but sexuality has a wonderful side that seldom gets
talked about. We mention this because we suspect that you may also
have received some negative messages about sex including what happened with
your grandfather. The first thing you and your partner should do is begin
an on-going open dialogue about the situation that will take a lot of the
power out of the condition bring it into the light. After that it will
be much easier for you to relax and get support from your partner. You may
want to create a very relaxing space with romantic and safe decorations
maybe some romantic music and set the mood and then try to insert your finger or
his finger. This progression may take some time and patience but you
will need to slowly build up to accepting him into your body. The pace
will be controlled by you. You will have final say at all times you are
in control. If you try and try and are absolutely unable to accept a
finger or small sex toy and are unable to relax to the point where you feel
no progress has been made you should seek a trained professional in your area
because sex and sexuality are one of our greatest gifts and you should be able
to participate in such joy! Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Problems with intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I am 18 yrs old. I have had 2 sexual partners. The first time I had sex was when
I was 17. It was extremely painful however I did not bleed nor did I feel a
"pop". I have heard people say that some girl’s hymens have already
been broken by using a tampon before or playing sports or some hymens just don't
break because the tissue is very tough. I do not use tampons and if it did break
- wouldn't I notice a lot of blood? Is there a chance that the amount of blood
each individual produces is different therefore as I only produced a small
amount I might have not noticed when having sex for the first time? And if it is
in fact true that some hymens just don't break what does this mean? That a man
can never enter me fully? I seriously doubt my hymen hasn't been broken yet
because I know for a fact I have had a full on penetration.
I am now absolutely in love
with my new boyfriend and he is also deeply in love with me. However, last time
we had intercourse he had difficulty entering me because my vagina felt too
tight. I couldn't even insert him because it felt too tight and therefore
painful. Perhaps I felt a bit uncomfortable so my muscles tensed up, that's all.
But he has mentioned to me that I have always felt so tight which he doesn't
mind and even loves but it makes sex uncomfortable at times and it's awkward to
try out different positions. And he has also mentioned that it hurt him because
I felt so tight!
We have not had sex for 3
weeks. He doesn't say but I am pretty sure he feels a bit uncomfortable because
he thinks it might hurt him again.
Is my vagina just naturally
small or does the opening of the vagina widens with time? I sometimes feel like
my vagina opening narrows if I do not have sex for a long time but I have had 2
sexual partners - why is it still so tight?
Is there a way to make your
vagina opening wider? Maybe my hymen has never been broken so that's why I am so
tight? What does hymen feel like and where is it located so I can check? Thanks
A
Dear A,
You are on the right track some women don’t bleed and some women don’t
have a “cherry” or hymen to “pop.” All women are different.
Some would consider you lucky that you didn’t have a lot of blood during your
first intercourse. If either of you are in pain you should take a break
and communicate! Sex is supposed to be about sharing and communicating and
fun and pleasure not pain and discomfort (unless you are into that sort of
thing). You may be so uncomfortable that your muscles are tightening up.
It is your body’s
way of saying you are not relaxed or ready. The condition you described is
often called vaginismus. It will take relaxation to help your muscles
un-clench. It may take you or him to insert a finger or a small sex toy to
help you get comfortable, feel safe, or relax. But, the more important
thing than figuring out how you are going to get his penis inside you is what
you are uncomfortable about! You should talk to him about your
hesitations, reservations, discomfort and so forth before you have sex.
Many women who experience vaginismus were given very negative messages about sex
and their bodies when they were young. If you have had intercourse chances
are your hymen is not intact. There are sometimes residual pieces, but
most likely your is no longer with you. Of course there are ways of
stretching you labia and lips. Two people is not a lot by the way.
Just don’t rush into stretching yourself or having more partners.
You
probably need more stimulation and patience not more stretching! Get
comfortable, communicate, start with smaller objects and build up to a penis
you have time. Don’t do things in a rushed way or you won’t enjoy it
and miss a lot of the experience. Take your time nothing good ever came
from rushing. Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Sexual intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
In about six months time we feel we will be prepared to have sexual intercourse.
We will obviously take the precautions, wearing a condom and her going on the
pill, I would like to know what position you would recommend for 2 first-timers.
I will be grateful for any help I can get, regards DC
Dear DC,
We are thrilled that you are both looking out for yourselves! You are both
using contraception and you are asking questions of professions in the
community! You two should be praised because if there were more teens like
you we would be a much healthier and happier nation! We will recommend two
positions and let you choose. Missionary (with you on top between her
legs) is generally a comfortable position for a large portion of the masses, but
we would also recommend her being on top. Women tend to enjoy this because
it has a greater chance of stimulating her clitoris and she can control the
depth and speed at which the penis goes inside her and that is important because
you don’t want to cause her unnecessary pain. You can put your hand on
her hips to help control the motion as well. We could recommend doing it
on your heads but it will be you two actually having intercourse and will
have to discover what works best for the both of you. Hopefully, these two
popular positions give you a good start on figuring out which position you are
going to try. Best of luck to you two responsible individuals. A
last bit of advice don’t get drunk to numb your nervousness. On a
first time like this you don’t want to miss it or make a mistake with
contraception because you are inebriated! Best wishes, Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Difficulty with penetration (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
Well I am not a virgin but
my girlfriend is and I have never had experience with a virgin before and me and
my girlfriend have been together for 6 months and 2 months ago we decided to try
to have sex and finger her and everything but when it comes time to have sex the
most it will go in is like and inch and it kill her we try so many times what do
I do can u please help me thank you so much....
Dear painful intercourse,
There
are many good suggestions in the index about this question. We would
suggest that you read those answers. We also suggest that you not force
anything that may cause her pain. Her first time should hopefully be
wonderful and you don’t want it to be a painful, fast, and pleasure-less
experience for her. We assume you care about her pleasure or you
wouldn’t have written. She may just not be ready mentally or
physically. You will have to communicate with her about any hesitations or
discomfort that she may have. She may be so nervous that her vaginal walls
clamp shut. Or it just may be the newness of the situation? If
she continues to have problems or pain she may need to talk to her gynecologist
or clinic counselor about the situation. But, before that happens you both
should talk to one another! Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Confused about penetration during intercourse (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I am a 20-year-old male and have had problems with having sex. The first time I
had sex, penetration was easy. The following 3 times I have attempted to have
sex with 3 different people I have been unable to penetrate the women’s
vagina. I am extremely concerned as to why this is the case. (I do not have a
small penis either) if you could help me in anyway I would greatly appreciate it
thanks.
Dear Confused,
We don’t have a lot to go on with this question. There could be any
number of reasons it could be the people you are selecting, it could be lack
of lubrication, it could be virtually anything. All we can recommend is
that you ask your partner(s) what is going on! Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Difficulty penetrating (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
My b/f and I have been going out for a while now. It’s the first time for both
of us. We just recently tried having sex but for some reason I cant seem to get
it in. his penis is quite thick. I don’t know if that’s the problem or if
its because there’s something with my hole. We tried heaps of times different
positions but it just doesn’t seem to work and I got a slight cut by my hole.
Can u please give me some advice on this situation and tell me if its possible
for my hole to be small since I m quite small and thin myself.
Dear too tight,
Because you are small in stature his penis may in fact be too large to just
“stick in!” But, with some patience and stretching we are confident
that it will fit (unless his penis is wider than a baby’s head!) It may
take time and slow and gentle insertion with fingers or sex toys but you should
be able to stretch your vaginal opening. If you continue to have problems
your could see a sex therapist, who would actually have instruments that
increase in size to help accommodate intercourse. It will most likely just
take some time in the meantime there are a lot of fun and hot stuff you can
do that does not involve a penis in a vagina. If you need any help with
what that hot stuff is feel free to write back and we will explain, otherwise
we assume you will have fun figuring it out! Shan & Claude
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