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Pleasuring a woman 
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.


HTHGS: Can’t make her orgasm (written by Calee Spinney)

Ask Calee, 
I have come to the realization that I should ask for help!  I am 18 years old as well as my girlfriend.  We have been dating for over a year and have only been having sex for the last 3 months.  However, it is quite often.  My problem is that no matter how long we have sex for, my stamina permitting, she cannot come to orgasm.  The problem is not time, I seem to have gotten stamina down.  She has never had sexual contact with any other person.  I was the first to lift her shirt!  We have never talked about this but it just worries me.  We have a very open relationship and we can talk about anything! except for this.  I can't bring myself to bringing it up.  We talk about what feels good and what doesn’t... but never a word about orgasm for her...  I feel terrible because I enjoy myself so much.  She seems to be enjoying it because she usually initiates it.  But there is never a defining point for her.  I feel terrible!  I guess my question or you do I bring her to orgasm?.......what can do? dorm mate says its cause I am 18.  Its funny until the next time we do it and I know I am not doing for her, what she is doing for me.  thank you for your help. – Wanting to make her orgasm

Dear Wanting to make her orgasm,
It is really good that you are so concerned about your girlfriend’s pleasure.  This is an excellent first step.  However, even with my suggestions, you are going to need to talk to her about this, because open communication is essential to having a pleasurable and rewarding sexual relationship.  I know that most guys want some kind of magic tip that will make their partner orgasm every time…  But it’s just not that simple.  Every woman is different and every one likes different things.  The best piece of advice I can give you is to really listen to what she has to say about the issue, and listen to what her body is trying to tell you when you’re being physical. 

 First off, your age has nothing to do with your ability to bring your partner to orgasm.  Instead, it is your ability to be aware of what turns her on, and her preferences during the sex act itself.  And remember, just because she is not having an orgasm does not mean that she is not enjoying it. 

 Stamina doesn’t have as much to do with female sexual pleasure as you might initially think.  Yes, women want sex to last longer, but not just the actual penetration portion.  Take your time with foreplay, and explore her entire body with your fingers and tongue.  There are lots of erogenous zones throughout the body that she may not even be aware of.  Have fun, play, and most importantly, pay attention to how she responds!  There will be little clues that will tell you what she’s really enjoying (like a change in breathing), or what she would like instead (like lifting body parts to a different angle). 

I’m not sure how much you know about the female anatomy, but the body part responsible for orgasm in women is called the clitoris.  It is located on the vulva (the external part of the female genitalia), outside the vagina.  It is the little lump located above the vagina.  Traditional intercourse (man on top, simple penile penetration) does not do a very job of stimulating this important area.  As a result, no matter how much you build up your stamina, unless you stimulate her clitoris, she most likely won’t have an orgasm!  But the good news is that this stimulation can be done really easily.

To start, it is a good idea to have her on top – this gives her more control of the movements and pace of intercourse.  It also allows you to stimulate her clitoris more easily.  Start slow, and pay attention to how she responds!  This is where communication comes into play again – ask her what areas she likes to have stimulated, how hard, and how fast.  Some women don’t like having their clitoris stimulated directly, so you may need to stick to the surrounding areas instead; some like the pressure to get harder as they get closer to orgasm, etc. 

 You should also ask to see if she has ever had an orgasm.  If she is having trouble having one, it will almost certainly be easier for her to have her first one through masturbation.  This is because she can explore her body on her own to find out what feels good to her – she can’t tell you what she likes until she knows for herself!  Being alone also takes some of the pressure off.  This also gives her a chance to figure out what sensations she experiences before she climaxes; these can be unnerving at first so it’s a good idea for her to experience them alone for the first time.  Then once she gets comfortable with all of this on her own, you can start working on it together. 

 It’s also not a good idea to approach this with the mindset of “She’s going to orgasm tonight” – that kind of pressure will make it impossible!   Just work on exploring, and increasing her pleasure a bit more every time.  It just might surprise you sometime.  And always remember to communicate communicate!  It is so important to keep in touch with her changing desires throughout the sex act. 



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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