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Learning How To Orgasm

HTHGS: Learning how to orgasm (written by Calee Spinney, BA) 

Ask Calee, Hi, I'm desperate. I need help!! I've asked this question to many of the people on the site, and I haven't gotten a response. I am 19 years old, and my boyfriend is also. We are in a fantastic, loving, caring, and serious relationship. We've been dating for 18 months, and we were both each other's first sex partner. We waited a year before we had sex, but we did everything else. We moved fairly quickly in the beginning. I always had the problem that I would not let him get me to orgasm. Whenever I feel one coming, I panic and tell him to stop, then apologize profusely. Recently, with my permission, I told him not to stop if I say stop, and to just conquer my fear. but I ended up crying and having a panic attack. I do get panic attacks, and I am on Paxil 30mg a day for it. I also take Yasmin, but I don't think either of them is responsible for my fear. I was not molested or anything as a child, and sex was not a completely taboo subject in my house. I was not taught that it was wrong or anything. my boyfriend is very understanding, and will not push me, which I am grateful for. I have had these panic attacks several times, and even when I masturbate, I cannot get myself to go any further once I feel like a climax is coming. Needless to say, I have never had an orgasm. PLEASE help, because I am getting frustrated with myself, and my sexual desire is increasing because of this problem. I will be forever grateful!! 

Dear Grateful, 
First of all, I want to congratulate you for being so aware of your body and your needs at such a young age! You obviously know the pertinent information, because you answered every question I was thinking of as I read your letter. I am so glad to hear that your boyfriend is being understanding, because having support certainly makes things easier. Unfortunately, this is something that goes way beyond the training that I have had, but I can make a few suggestions and point you in the right direction. 

In this case, I really would recommend seeing some type of therapist, preferably a sex therapist. Since this occurs while you are masturbating as well as while you are having sex, it would seem that the underlying issue is with orgasm itself, and not intimacy. This reaction may be a side effect of one of the medications that you are taking, and it may require switching to a new medication, or a different dosage. There also may be some underlying experience that you don’t remember which is influencing your behavior now, which a therapist could definitely help you sort out. 

A responsible sex therapist would probably recommend that you conquer one issue at a time, and that you work on this problem alone, through masturbation, before you involve your partner. Small steps will pave the way. To locate a sex therapist in your area, go to link There is also a series of exercises called Sensate Focus, which can teach you to relax during sex. Relaxation is important to combat the sense of fear and rising panic. A sex therapist can outline them for you, or there are several good sex books which describe them. “Becoming Orgasmic” is a classic book in the field. To order this book, or other books like it, you can go to the following link or your local bookstore. Lastly, go back to our website and check out what other sexperts have said. This question (or at least similar questions) have been asked & answered before. 

It really is great that you are seeking help now, because it will allow you to change and start to enjoy the wonderful sex life that you have ahead of you. Good luck, and I wish you much pleasure in the future! Calee Spinney, BA

HTHGS: Letter to the editor (written by amateur sexpert Virginia)

Letter to the editor - RE: 
I just wanted to disagree with a comment you made to "O"-less in New Hampshire. You wrote: "Also, the female pleasure center (the clitoris), is located outside of the vagina, so the size of your partner's penis does not affect your ability to be orgasmic.  As long as you are receiving clitoral stimulation (whether it be during intercourse itself, as a part of foreplay, or after he has climaxed), you will still be able to orgasm." I have found, through reading this newsletter and through personal experience with my husband, that clitoral stimulation does not always mean orgasm. I am a firm believer in the "g-spot", which is located inside the vagina. I have found that is very hard for me to obtain orgasm, if I do at all, unless the g-spot and the clitoris are stimulated. I think the size of the penis does matter when it comes to hitting the g-spot, as do position and pressure. Maybe this is "O"-less' problem. -amateur Sexpert Virginia



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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