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Learning How To Orgasm
HTHGS: Learning how to orgasm (written by Calee
Spinney, BA)
Ask Calee, Hi, I'm desperate. I need help!! I've asked this question to many
of the people on the site, and I haven't gotten a response. I am 19 years old,
and my boyfriend is also. We are in a fantastic, loving, caring, and serious
relationship. We've been dating for 18 months, and we were both each other's
first sex partner. We waited a year before we had sex, but we did everything
else. We moved fairly quickly in the beginning. I always had the problem that I
would not let him get me to orgasm. Whenever I feel one coming, I panic and tell
him to stop, then apologize profusely. Recently, with my permission, I told him
not to stop if I say stop, and to just conquer my fear. but I ended up crying
and having a panic attack. I do get panic attacks, and I am on Paxil 30mg a day
for it. I also take Yasmin, but I don't think either of them is responsible for
my fear. I was not molested or anything as a child, and sex was not a completely
taboo subject in my house. I was not taught that it was wrong or anything. my
boyfriend is very understanding, and will not push me, which I am grateful for.
I have had these panic attacks several times, and even when I masturbate, I
cannot get myself to go any further once I feel like a climax is coming.
Needless to say, I have never had an orgasm. PLEASE help, because I am getting
frustrated with myself, and my sexual desire is increasing because of this
problem. I will be forever grateful!!
Dear Grateful,
First of all, I want to congratulate you for being so aware of your body and
your needs at such a young age! You obviously know the pertinent information,
because you answered every question I was thinking of as I read your letter. I
am so glad to hear that your boyfriend is being understanding, because having
support certainly makes things easier. Unfortunately, this is something that
goes way beyond the training that I have had, but I can make a few suggestions
and point you in the right direction.
In this case, I really would recommend seeing some type of therapist,
preferably a sex therapist. Since this occurs while you are masturbating as well
as while you are having sex, it would seem that the underlying issue is with
orgasm itself, and not intimacy. This reaction may be a side effect of one of
the medications that you are taking, and it may require switching to a new
medication, or a different dosage. There also may be some underlying experience
that you don’t remember which is influencing your behavior now, which a
therapist could definitely help you sort out.
A responsible sex therapist would probably recommend that you conquer one
issue at a time, and that you work on this problem alone, through masturbation,
before you involve your partner. Small steps will pave the way. To locate a sex
therapist in your area, go to link http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/therapist.htm
There is also a series of exercises called Sensate Focus, which can teach you to
relax during sex. Relaxation is important to combat the sense of fear and rising
panic. A sex therapist can outline them for you, or there are several good sex
books which describe them. “Becoming Orgasmic” is a classic book in the
field. To order this book, or other books like it, you can go to the following
link http://www.sextherapyinphiladelphia.com/sexual_self_help_books.htm
or your local bookstore. Lastly, go back to our website and check out what other
sexperts have said. This question (or at least similar questions) have been
asked & answered before. http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/Orgasm.htm
It really is great that you are seeking help now, because it will allow you
to change and start to enjoy the wonderful sex life that you have ahead of you.
Good luck, and I wish you much pleasure in the future! Calee Spinney, BA
HTHGS: Letter to the editor (written by amateur
sexpert Virginia)
Letter
to the editor - RE: http://howtohavegoodsex.com/spinney.learninghowtoorgasm.htm
I just wanted to disagree with a comment you made to "O"-less in New
Hampshire. You wrote: "Also, the female pleasure center (the clitoris), is
located outside of the vagina, so the size of your partner's penis does not
affect your ability to be orgasmic. As long as you are receiving clitoral
stimulation (whether it be during intercourse itself, as a part of foreplay, or
after he has climaxed), you will still be able to orgasm." I have found,
through reading this newsletter and through personal experience with my husband,
that clitoral stimulation does not always mean orgasm. I am a firm believer in
the "g-spot", which is located inside the vagina. I have found
that is very hard for me to obtain orgasm, if I do at all, unless the g-spot and
the clitoris are stimulated. I think the size of the penis does matter when it
comes to hitting the g-spot, as do position and pressure. Maybe this is
"O"-less' problem. -amateur Sexpert Virginia
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