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HTHGS: How to have an orgasm

Ask Alex,
I am 28. I have never ever had an orgasm by ANY means.  I have tried EVERYTHING,

I think.  I was thinking perhaps I should look into some herbal solutions. Can I take something to enhance desire/feeling?  I have talked to my doctors, friends, boyfriends.... it's frustrating.  Can you give me advice? Angie

Dear Angie,
I am wondering what EVERYTHING means. 
1)      Do you masturbate?  Many women find it easier to have an orgasm from solo-sex (masturbation), than from two-person sex.  Have you ever tried the Jack Rabbit? The Jack Rabbit is an excellent type of vibrator for women with difficulties having an orgasm. The Jack Rabbit vibrator combines vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Each form of stimulation has it’s own separate control system to more specifically fit your bodies needs. The Jack Rabbit, can be purchased at most sex toy shops or online 
2)      When you are with a partner, what does your communication with him/her look like?  When something does not feel good how do you let your partner know this? How do you let your partner know when something feels particularly good? Or you would like to experiment with something new? Often, women have difficulties having an orgasm with a partner because they are not sure how to communicate to a partner their likes & dislikes
3)      Do all your past lovers know that you have never had an orgasm? And if so, how have the two of you tried to work on it? Often, the pressure of having an orgasm is so great, that women (and men) find themselves telling their partner’s that they have had an orgasm when they really didn’t just to make the other person feel good, or stop.  Unfortunately, sometimes when partners are told about the ‘orgasm’ issue, they shut down because they feel like you do not want them sexually (ie. You are not turned on by them, or you would have had an orgasm).
             Partners, have the unique ability of doing sexual things to you that you could never do for yourself.  Not only can they give you oral sex, while touching your g-spot with their finger, but they can ‘keep going’ even when you might have stopped.
4)      How good are you at being ‘selfish’ and receiving pleasure? Do you feel like you are always needing to give? Could you comfortably have an entire evening where you never (or almost never) touched your partner and she/he did all the giving? Women sometimes experience difficulties with having an orgasm because they feel uncomfortable receiving. Learning how to relax and enjoy the moment can be difficult.
5)      How do you know when you are relaxed? Having an orgasm is a physical response to stimulation.  Thus, if one can learn to relax enough, your body will naturally take care of itself. To relax some women have found that two forms of stimulation is necessary.  One of the types of stimulation is what will make you excited enough to have an orgasm, while the other form of stimulation is designed to ‘distract’ your brain long enough to let your body take over. For example, some women who are very uncomfortable with anal stimulation have found that anal stimulation combined with oral sex will allow them to orgasm. Some alternative healers recommend getting high on marijuana specifically to learn how to have an orgasm. Marijuana, they report is operates as a relaxant.  However, with this being said, Marijuana is an illegal substance and considered by many to be a ‘gate-way’ drug to very addictive substances.
6)      What makes you so sure you have never had an orgasm? In my practice, I have found that many women who initially complain that they have never had an orgasm are indeed orgasmic. The problem is that they do not have realistic expectations of what an orgasm is. Contrary to popular opinion, orgasms do not always ‘rock your world’ and make you see stars.
7)      Lastly, what will be different once you have had an orgasm? How will your sex life be improved? What do you imagine will happen?
           Once you address these specific questions, I will be in a better position to further address your needs. There are many different ways to approach helping women (or men) who have never had an orgasm, but before I offer any one specific ‘treatment’ procedure, a clear understanding of where the problem may stem from.  Hope this helps. 

 Ps.  If any readers have any suggestions, tips, or tricks about ways that they either learned how to become orgasmic, or how they taught their partners to become orgasmic, please send an email to thank you.



Ejaculation Orgasm The G-spot
Male Ejaculation The Male Orgasm Locating the Male G-spot
Female Ejaculation The Female Orgasm  Locating the Female G-spot



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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