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The Female Orgasm

HTHGS: Orgasms (written by Dr. Pluhar)
Ask Erika
I have had 5 lovers and have never had an orgasm with just him.  I have tried with a vibrator and with him inside me while using the vibrator.  but I cant seem to have one with just him.  what am I doing wrong.  I think that it runs in the family.  I am really attracted to my partner and very in love with him.  Please return my email with an answer to this terrible problem. My boyfriend thinks it is his problem but I have not had one vaginally with anyone. Thanks, Ruthie

Dear Ruthie,
Thanks for your question.  Having an orgasm from penile thrusting alone is a common concern for many women.  However, it's important to know that MOST women do not orgasm just from penile thrusting and this is perfectly normal psychologically, physically, and genetically (since you mentioned that you think it may run in your family).  Rather, the clitoris is usually involved in orgasm, either from rubbing against a woman's partner's body during intercourse, from hand stimulation, or from vibrator stimulation.  There is not right or "true" way to orgasm.  It is a myth that an orgasm from penile thrusting is the only "real" orgasm.  All orgasms are very real and none is better than the other.  However, if you and your partner want to experience your orgasm with him inside of you, you might try the woman-on-top position to provide additional stimulation to your clitoris.  You might also try lying on your back and having him insert his penis while facing you and leaning against the back of a bed, wall, couch, etc.  (your legs would be on his lap) This way you can move to create friction on his penis and in your vagina and you can also stimulate your clitoris with your hand, his hand, or a vibrator.  Finally, know that the way in which you orgasm is in no way related to the amount of love in your relationship.  In fact, a loving relationship in which there is open communication is the best context within which to explore different sexual techniques, ways of experiencing orgasm either together or alone.  Best of luck, Erika 

HTHGS: Orgasm (by Erika Pluhar)

Ask Erika,
I have a question about sex for you.  Me and my girlfriend have been having sex for a while now and I can't get her to have an orgasm with me being inside of her.  I can however give her an orgasm with my hand by rubbing her but not while actually having sex.  It's been really bugging me because I shouldn't be the only one having an orgasm during the actual sexual intercourse.  Now I heard, but I’m not sure that their are two separate things inside of a female and if you go into the wrong area she won't be able to have an orgasm.  I don't know if that is true or not and I feel like I’m doing something wrong.  I hope that you can help me. Thanks a lot, I hope to hear from you soon

Dear Ron,
Thank you for your question.  First of all, it's perfectly normal that your girlfriend doesn't experience orgasm from your penile thrusting alone.  In fact, many women need clitoral stimulation alone or in addition to vaginal stimulation to have an orgasm.  So, rest assured that neither of you are doing anything wrong.  There are some positions you can try that will increase clitoral friction.  The woman-on-top position allows her pelvic area to push against your's and gives her control over the speed, motion, etc.  This may make her more likely to orgasm with you inside of her.  You may also try a position in which you are both lying on your sides, leaving hands free to stimulate the clitoris.  You might also try adding a vibrator during sex, so that she can stimulate herself while you thrust.  The most important thing is that you recognize that you're not doing anything wrong.  Just keep communication about what feels good open and broaden your perspective on what is pleasurable.  We live in a society that is very goal-oriented about sex--if both people don't experience mutual, multiple, simultaneous orgasms during intercourse, it's almost as if we've failed. But it doesn't have to be that way.  The best thing about sex is that there isn't one right way to do it.  Everybody has things that feel better to them than others; remember, the brain is ultimately our biggest sex organ so use your imagination!!

 As for your question about two separate things inside a female, I think you are referring to the g-spot.  On the front wall of the vagina, about two inches in, is some spongy tissue.  In some women, this spot can become very sensitive when sexually aroused and stimulated by a finger, penis, or other object.  Some women can rub the g-spot and experience orgasm (either with or without clitoral stimulation).  Some women even experience ejaculation from g-spot stimulation (it looks like urine but it isn't).  Remember, though, that the g-spot does not have the same sensitivity in all women and some women may not feel like they have a sensitive spot there at all.  For these women, the clitoris is the most important spot for pleasure.  The best approach is to ask your woman and find out what feels good for her! I hope this helps, Erika

 

 

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.

 

  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to alex@howtohavegoodsex.com and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 
                                                                                    

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September 19, 2006