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HTHGS: Masturbating my partner (Written by Dr. Pluhar)

Ask Erika
Hello I have a question about masturbating my partner.  If you could help me, I would like to know, how it is best done.  Thank you for your time. Hello,

Dear Hello,
Thank you for your great question.  The absolute best way to find out the "best" way to masturbate your partner is to ask him or her.  Individuals themselves are the experts when it comes to their own pleasure.  You can have this conversation either during sex play or when you are just hanging out together.  You could also do both.  For example, you might bring up the topic by asking, "I'd really like to learn more about what feels good to you.  Will you tell/show me?"  You might also ask your partner to masturbate while you watch (if s/he is (and you are) comfortable with this.  This is a great way to learn his/her techniques.  You can also get this kind of information while you are "in action."  For instance, while you touching your partner, you may want to ask, "does this feel good to you?" or you might ask for her/him to move your hand in a way that feels good, which will show you the technique at the same time.  All of this really boils down to communication between you and your partner.  After all, everyone experiences pleasure in different ways and there certainly is not one formula that will bring all people the same amount of ecstasy.  So, the secret is to ask!  I wish you the best of luck and thank you again for your question. Sincerely,


HTHGS: Masturbation (written by Dr. Rowan & Dr. Pluhar)

Ask Dr. Rowan & Dr. Pluhar,
I am 22 years old boy and I have a very serious thing to ask you.  I have been masturbating for the past 5-6 years nearly everyday.  I would like to know if this would be a problem for me in the future.  Please guide me and help me out.  Thanks

Dear Muler,
There is no evidence that daily or more frequent masturbation has consequences in terms of future potency or fertility.  If your technique causes trauma, then you should change it.  If masturbation interferes with relationships, then you might consider therapy to explore why  this is so.  If you feel guilt (an almost universal experience) consider the study of masturbation-positive books to see it from a different, more joyful, perspective.
Dr. Rowan

Dear Muler,
Thank you for your question.  You are not alone in wondering if masturbation might cause you harm.  Because of the many myths that abound about masturbation, it often isn't easy to talk about it, let alone feel comfortable doing it.  But, rest assured that there are absolutely no proven health problems that result from masturbation, even if you do it once a year, once a month, or once a day.  In fact, masturbation is a healthy and normal behavior.  It can help people relieve stress, experience pleasure, and learn about their sexual response cycles.  The only time masturbation can be become a problem, just like ANY behavior, is when the urge to do it interferes with your normal life and relationships.  From what you describe, your masturbation is perfectly healthy and natural!  I hope this helps you out and relieves your worry. Sincerely,
Dr. Pluhar

Dear Muler, 
For the record, you have violated one of our policies. You wrote the same question to more than one of our sexperts. As a result of you actions, we answered your question twice and left another person’s question unanswered. Every week we receive hundreds of questions.  It is not possible for us to answer everyone’s question. Thus out of respect to your peers only submit your question once. If you HAVE TO have your question answered we offer a guaranteed response system, $20 per question.  Please mail a check & your question to Howtohavegoodsex Inc, PO Box 2326, Phila PA 19103.



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 6, 2006