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  Tight and painful sex

HTHGS: Tight & painful sex (written by Dr. Feintech)

Ask Dr. Feintech ,
Hi I have a question....Okay. I've had sex at 11 times and each time I do it, at the beginning, when my boyfriend first sticks it in.. It hurts! But after 4 to 5 slow pushes, its in. Although my concern is, I'm extremely tight, and I want to know if its normal, and if this will ever change... Gotta Love Me! Miss Sexy)

Dear Miss Sexy,
I can understand why you are distressed and needing to understand what is going on and how you can best work with it.   I am sure you want sex to be wonderful and, since you are new to the game, don't have a context of experience to place this discomfort.

I have two theories (both of which may be true).   The first is that you may have a physical obstruction to intercourse called an "annular hymen" which would explain the difficulty on intromission. Other possibilities are a vaginal infection or ?????  Your gynecologist or family physician would be the best resource for you here and could examine your vagina to make sure that everything is ok and give you medical advice there is a problem.

My hunch is that it is not physical, but related to pacing, timing, and adequate foreplay.    You use the phrase "at the beginning when my boyfriend sticks it in"......You didn't say, " after lots of joyful and meaningful emotional connection and rich, wonderful, foreplay, when I can no longer stand to not have him in me, there is pain when he enters me...."

Here's the deal......women and men are wired up are like microwaves and women are like crock pots......Women need emotional connection, time, lots of good kissing, and a good deal of slow, non-demanding, tender touching, all over, not just genitally....... Women, particularly sexually inexperienced ones, tend to "hand things over to the male", because they don't know their own bodies and response patterns well enough to "take charge" themselves.   I suspect what's going on here is that he is ready for intercourse, but you are nowhere near ready....he is in orbit and you are still on the launching pad! The same act, i.e. intromission, which would be experienced pleasurably late in the sexual response cycle, is experienced painfully, early in the sexual response cycle, before your body is prepared or ready for intromission.   My advice to you would be to make sure that there is sufficient foreplay, emotional connection, and tenderness for you to be fully aroused before you allow him to enter other words, wait until your vulva is absolutely screaming for him and you can't bear it for a minute longer before screaming " I want you in me" make the decision when it's time for intromission, not him....he doesn't know, but believes that he should!   Every man needs to think he's an expert of vaginas, but only women are experts on vaginas and only you are an expert on yours and only you know when your vulva are "screaming" for him and urgently want him.......If you don't get to that point, don't have intercourse....the last thing you need is to create a pattern and history of painful intercourse which is not satisfying to you.

You also might find that a high quality, water based lubricant such as Astroglide (do not use Vaseline or other greasy stuff) can help, but don't use it as a substitute for adequate stimulation prior to intromission and above all, emotional connection, love, and tenderness.

Good luck,  see if this helps....If it doesn't a couple sessions with a qualified sex therapist might do the trick for you.


Ron Feintech, PH.D., FACAPP
Licensed Psychologist
Certified Sex Therapist, AASECT



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
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