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Past Tips

 

Cyber Sex
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

  • Cyber Cheating (written by Lancie Martin Mazza, LCSW)

  • Cyber sex (Alex Robboy & other sexperts)

HTHGS: Cyber Cheating (written by Lancie Martin Mazza, LCSW)

Ask Lancie,
This question doesn't really relate to sex, but I am seek some advice. I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year  now. I live with him. He has a computer and is going to college for  Computer Engineering. I love him very much, and he says he loves me.
  
I think we have a very great relationship for the most part, but lately he has been going online and talking to a lot of females. He sends and receives his and their pictures and spends literally hours chatting with them, (all the while not even bothering to take time to ask me how I am doing!)
  
It's gotten to the point where the first thing he does when he comes   home from work is turn on his computer, sit down, and spend hours online. I told him how I felt, and hope that I am not over reacting by being a little jealous that he would rather tell these internet girls his feelings rather than me.
  
To get to my point, the other day I came home and saw he had  mistakenly forgot to shut off his chat. I saw the messages that he is   receiving from these other women, and they upset me very much!! One
of them simply said "I love you" others said the natural pick up lines, and lastly, I noticed that he has his ex girlfriend on his chat list. I questioned him about all this and he said that his ex girlfriend has been dating a guy for 10 months and that he has me  here, so why would he want her,,, and also said that he's just "playing around" with these other girls.
  
I honestly don't know what to do. I asked other women who I work with about this, and some admitted that they have had problems with their boyfriends / husbands and chatting with women on the internet also. I guess we are all kind of curious about how we should maybe handle  this situation??
  
  
 Dear Internet Widow,
I have a feeling you already know what is going on with your  boyfriend. The description you have provided for me is of an individual who is cheating. No, he is not having sex, or taking these women out to dinner, but he is taking away attention from you and  giving it to them. Cyber cheating is a type of emotional betrayal. Your boyfriend has stopped asking about you, validating your  feelings, and is encouraging other women to have romantic feelings for him.
  
If these men (and often women) were engaging and encouraging relationships with others in person, over the phone, or through letter writing, you and your friends would be outraged. The group  would be thinking of ways to get rid of these significant others rather than wondering "how to handle this situation."
  
   In your specific case, your boyfriend may or may not be involved with  his ex-girlfriend. He is however exchanging pictures, information,  time and energy with other women. Just because it is over the internet does not make it any less real. Cyberspace has become one of the fastest growing tools for meeting new partners, regardless of whether or not a girlfriend or wife is involved.
  
   Even if your boyfriend were not involving other women in his computer preoccupation, he is still (from what you have described) not paying  attention to you and your needs. This is a red flag that something in  the relationship is not working. You have two choices: Put up with it  and continue to allow him to focus his attention in another direction  (all the while fooling yourself that his intentions toward these women are purely innocent), or take a stand and tell him to reinvest in the relationship or you are moving on.
  
   Remember, no one is going to take care of you, if you cannot take care of yourself first. Trust your instincts they sound like good ones. Lancie
  

Feel free to submit your questions to Lancie Martin Mazza at lancie@howtohavegoodsex.com 

 

 

 

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.

 

  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to alex@howtohavegoodsex.com and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 
                                                                                    

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