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Sexual fantasies

HTHGS: Sexual fantasies (written by Kelly Connell, MS.Ed.)

Ask Kelly,
My name is Stephen Wilson and I have a question that has been giving me some trouble. I am a 34 year old man and I am dating a 26 year old women. We have been dating for close to a year now, but the other night we were talking about fantasies, and my girlfriend Katrina told me of two fantasies that she has thought of over the years. The first one was kind of a roll plaything, but it was to be blindfolded, and raped. The second one was to explore the whole topic of sex with a dog. Now when I first heard these things I was taken back some. I could not understand the fantasy of being raped. Roll playing is one thing, but to me, a rape is a very violent act. I tried to explain how I felt about that topic, but I am not sure if I made myself really clear on it. Is this a normal fantasy, or at least one that a lot of women have? As far as the topic of sex with a dog goes, I have heard of it before and it really makes me sick inside. I told her that there was no way I could be a part of it, or even be in a relationship with someone who is into that. I am just concerned that it would not be healthy for her. Could she get hurt by that sort of thing if she was to go through with it? I am just worried that it could hurt her for life, and she is so young to do anything that might cause permanent damage to herself. Well that is all I really wanted help with, I would appreciate any help or advice you could give me. Thank you, Stephen Wilson

Dear Stephen,
I can understand your concern about the nature of your girlfriend's fantasies. First let me say that to share a sexual fantasy with someone is a mark of trust and intimacy in the relationship.  It is not always an easy thing to do. Many people are worried about their partner's reaction and about being judged or seen as abnormal. So it sounds like she really trusts you , which is a good thing.

Second, most people have fantasies they would not really want to happen to them in real life-that is why they are called fantasies. Usually they represent something else. I am sure your girlfriend does not really want to be raped. You are right, it is a violent act that has nothing to do with making love. Some women who fantasize about being raped are really trying to give themselves permission to be sexual. Society sends messages to women that they are not supposed to enjoy sex, it is only for reproduction and there is the ever present double standard between men and women when it comes to having sex.  Women are supposed to attach it to a relationship, for men it is OK for it to be casual etc. Sometimes, the only way a woman can justify her desire for sex is to have a fantasy where it is taken from her-then it is not her fault. I am not saying that this is the case with your girlfriend, only one way of looking at it.

About the dog thing...I would not say it is abnormal and it really is not that uncommon, but again, it may only be a fantasy. not something she really wants to do. I doubt if she would damage herself for life if she did this. You have every right to refuse to do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable and she should respect that. Fantasizing can be very erotic and we all do it. Sharing those fantasies with a partner can be a way to become closer, but some people choose to keep them private.

One thing I would recommend is that you read the books written by Nancy Friday on the subject of women's sexual fantasies.  She gathered information from hundreds of women about their fantasies and put them into some books and talks about what they night mean. The two you mention in your email are included. One of the books is called, "MY Secret Garden." there are 2 or 3 others that I can't think of right now, but they will be in the library or bookstore.  She also did one with men. I hope this helps! Good luck, Kelly Connell MS.Ed.



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


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