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How To Have Good Sex, Inc.


HTHGS: My girlfriend used ‘sex’ to get me (Written by Shan & Claude) 

Ask Shan & Claude,
Hi, I am a frustrated 21-year-old male.  I have been with my g/f for 8 months and I know I truly love her, but that is not the problem.  See when we first met she ended up giving me her first actual blowjob.  She told me a few months later that the only reason she did it was because she wanted ME!  So now since she knows she has me she rarely gives me any sexual attention at all unless I am persistent about it.  We ended up having sex also but I think I got her to do that :(.  So pretty much what I am saying is that if I just stopped trying to be sexual with her then I think she'd be absolutely fine with it.  It bothers me a lot too because she'll constantly tease me by fondling me but then just stop.  Also, the second biggest issue is the fact that I ca not touch her.  She does not desire any sexual favors at and will rarely let me touch or lick anywhere on her body.  I do not understand it at all.  How can she not feel comfortable or whatever it is after 8 months?  I just want to know what I can do for all these situations?  I want her to open up more and enjoy sexual contact and to also stop teasing me and pleasure me more often.  thank you,  horny and confused

Dear horny and confused,
It sounds like there is a major discrepancy between what you want and need and what she wants and needs.  There are infinite possibilities to explain what may be going on.  Many times women in our culture are taught to use sex as a tool to getting or keeping men and are often not taught about sex for pleasure or enjoyment.  Sometimes they are taught that if they actually enjoy it then they are dirty or a slut.  It is sad when sex becomes a weapon or a bartered item.  But, what is going on between you and your partner seems to be much more than about sex!  It seems that you are concerned with intimacy, pleasure, touch and many other issues that go far beyond just intercourse.  We would recommend that you tell your partner what you have told us.  Your question was very well written.  You are articulate and have every right to be confused and upset and horny.  The main point is that before she could possibly explore more sexual pleasure with you she must know that there is a problem.  If you don’t tell her how will she know?  There is never a specific time for people to feel comfortable and sometimes people who have been taught to avoid and hate sex take decades (if ever) to learn to overcome the powerful messages of sex being bad and wrong.  After you communicate your needs and feelings you can both decide how to proceed in the relationship and see if it can fulfill both of your mutual needs.  Shan & Claude

Letter to the editor,
reading this letter was amazing thank you to the person who wrote it. I am really interested in this subject as I am a survivor perhaps still working through things but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I wont to get there with what ever it brings. the writer mentioned some web sites for this subject have been unable to find them would be grateful for any suggestions and to the systems of the survivor.
Thank you



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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