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How
To
Have
Good
Sex!
Past Tips |
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Cyber
Sex
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.
-
The
rules of cyber sexing . . .(written by Shan&Claude)
-
Cybersex
(written by Shan & Claude)
-
Online
Porn, Cyber Sex and Porn (written by Shan & Claude)
How
to have cyber sex (written by Alex Robboy, LSW) Ask
a sexpert
HTHGS:
The
rules of cyber sexing . . .(written by Shan&Claude)
Ask
Shan&Claude,
I have a problem that I could not find an answer to in your web page. My current
situation is this. I am male and have an internet/long distance relationship
with a girl, we'll call her Sue. We both get jealous pretty easily, and recently
I did cybersex with another random girl. I also recently went to a concert and
made a sexual advance to a girl there. And last night I was trying to get
another girl I know online to cybersex with me, which we almost did, but she
stopped it, just because it was too late. None of these girls were Sue, and I've
told Sue about them all, and now she's told me that I need to change or
reconsider our relationship. I don't really fault her for that, but I'm not sure
what is normal for an online relationship. Do you think it's a big deal to
cybersex with someone else? I know real sex would be, and I regret that and have
decided not to put myself in situations in which I would be tempted to try to
have sex with someone. I'm also worried because I really love Sue, but I keep
having urges that I can't resist. I do not know if that is because I do not
really love her, or what? I just lack self discipline? I think I have a general
problem with giving up the chance for sex when the future of my relationship
with Sue is not so certain. I do not know what to do. I love Sue, and want to
continue our relationship, but I'd much rather have where we are free to
cybersex and flirt, but not have any kind of real sex, oral, touching, vaginal,
with anyone. Does that sound logical to you? Do you think I should just really
never flirt with anyone, even online? I am in a bind, because I don't want to
lose her, but I do not want to lose the chance for sex. Maybe I'm somewhat of a
sex addict? Well, if you read all this, thank you, I apologize for the length.
Thanks for any help you may give me. -RE
Dear
RE,
This
question is fascinating. Let us
start by writing that you do not have to apologize for the length.
It is not the size that counts! You
have raised some wonderful issues. We
do not think that you are a sex addict at all.
It sounds like you are a person who is grappling with concepts that many
people in relationships deal with: boundaries, limits, needs, desires, monogamy,
flirting, etc… You also seem to be exploring the role of technology in
relationships. You come across as an honest and responsible person who enjoys
flirting and expressing sexuality in a healthy way that is free of risks such as
pregnancy and disease and is having trouble expressing those needs to your
partner.
With
the emergence of new technology we must establish some new protocol and new
social and relationship etiquette. However,
even though this technology may be new, relationships are not!
We can base the etiquette on our experiences and relationships prior to
cybersex and erotic e-mail. How you
handle this situation will depend on your values and beliefs about all
relationships. Couples of the
future will most certainly be facing the “techno-sex” issue more and more.
How would you handle this issue is “Sue” was your across from you
right now? If she expressed her
need for absolute exclusiveness what would you tell her? What are your needs? You will have to determine if there is
any room to negotiate. Does it have
to be so “all-or-none?” Does it
have to be “Sue” and no flirting or lose her completely?
You sound like you want/need to have your cyber-experiences while
maintaining exclusiveness physically? Is
she being considerate of your needs? Does
she have the ability to be considerate to your desires?
It
is clear that a day will come, hopefully soon, when you tell “Sue” where you
are at on these issues. You articulated your dilemma clearly to us.
Have you been able to tell her about your confusion? You will need to be
honest with yourself about what you want and then decide if the relationship is
going to meet your needs. Sometimes
it is painful to end relationships – but not nearly as trying to live your
life for years as someone you are not. Flirting
and having many friends and cybersex partners seems important to you and
something you enjoy. If she really
cares about you it seems like she would recognize your needs and desires and if
she can not accept you for who you are - let you know it is not going to work
out. You will also have to
ask yourself if you are willing to give that part of yourself up, because she is
uncomfortable with that side of you – even though on some level she must like
that side of you!
It
is not really what you do – whether it is face-to-face touching or romantic
e-mails – your partner could feel betrayed or could think you cheated.
It will be for you two to figure out what is acceptable in the
relationship and what is cheating and what your boundaries are – on the web
and in face-to-face interactions. Establishing
such boundaries and guidelines are important in every relationship.
You
can love someone very much and that does not mean you will ever stop being
attracted to others. Some people buy into the myth that when you meet your true
“soul-mate” all other attractions will disappear. What this does is make people break-up! Some people will spend their entire lives waiting for their
attraction to others turn-off so they know whether they are with “the one.”
For most people that day never comes and a lot of people miss the
opportunity to get to know and love another “real” person - with attractions
and desires.
We
think it is great that you are being honest about what you want and questioning
where you are at in this relationship. Some
people would just lie and tell her that they stopped the internet stuff.
That doesn’t seem like much of a solution since it does not really get
to the root of her needs or your needs or her feelings or your feelings.
Your cybersex techno-helpers,
Shan&Claude
HTHGS:
Cybersex (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
MY BOYFRIEND WANTS ME TO HAVE CYBER SEX WITH HIM AND I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS
BEFORE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I, AM SUPPOSE TO SAY OR DO. I, AM VERY
SHY AND NAIVE WHEN IT COMES TO SEX. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME AND GIVE ME
SOME IDEAS AS TO WHAT TO SAY AND DO. I, AM NOT VERY IMAGINATIVE WHEN IT COMES TO
THINGS LIKE THIS. PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS. IS THERE ANYWAY YOU CAN HELP ME
WITH THIS TONIGHT. THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS. THANK YOU CAROL
Dear Carol,
We hope this isn’t too late! We usually can’t make time to sit and do
these questions in one night. We usually need much more notice!
Sometimes it is even hard to get our messages when we are traveling because some
libraries block this website because it has to do with sex. Isn’t that
terrible? The question is do you want to do cybersex? If you don’t
or feel pressure you shouldn’t do it. If you do want to do it or are
curious then what we would recommend are sometimes euphemistically called
“marital aids.” We are recommending that you check out some
“porno/erotica” tapes/DVDs and listen and watch and learn. That may
help you come up with some material. We assume you are old enough to get a
video or call a 900 number right?
These are all valuable
resources. However, the best resource is your mind!
If you and he explore ideas and scenarios you will most likely be able to come
up with exciting and sexy fantasies that are specific to you both so that
they are totally original and unique and fit you. The videos can give you
some ideas about how to begin. Through practice and trial and error we are
sure you two could have fun communicating erotically and sexually with one
another. Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Online Porn, Cyber Sex and Porn (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask
Shan & Claude,
I have been married for 18 years and our sex life is good. In fact, it’s be
great lately. I don't want to ruin
it. Recently the online porn,
cybersex and phone sex has gotten better to.
Now I want to stop and focus on my wife. But it seems I can't stoop the
online porn and masturbation. Do you have any tips on how to stop? Bob
Dear Bob,
The on-line porn and masturbation is only a problem if you think it is
interfering with your relationship with your wife. It does sound like you may
believe it is a problem for you. If that is the case you could seek out a sex
therapist for a variety of options LocateATherapist We believe there is probably a way for you to
give your wife the attention she needs and to spend quality time with yourself
as well. Instead of trying to eliminate something from your life that you enjoy
maybe you could incorporate it with her? Would it be possible to do with her?
Could she get on the phone with you? Could she be a part of your
fantasies – instead of apart from your fantasies? Shan &
Claude
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