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Pain During Sexual Intercourse
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

HTHGS: Pain During Sexual Intercourse (written by Erin Black, BA) 

Ask Erin,
I just wanted to know some things… I recently just started having sex about 1 month ago and we have probably had intercourse about 10-15 times and it still hurts when he goes inside of me and even when the pain goes away there is absolutely no feeling for me. I can tell he is enjoying it but I am not at all. Why is this? Even during oral sex it doesn't feel that great please give me some advice on what I can do or even he can do! Thank You! 

Dear Looking for Answers,
There is some pain when you first have sex but after a while your body should become used to what is happening. The most important thing is to speak up and tell your partner that you are uncomfortable, in pain, or not enjoying the experience. Intercourse is not about pleasing one person so if you are not enjoying yourself you need to say so. Your partner may not be enjoying it as much as you think if he can pick up on your tension or discomfort. He may not have any idea what to do so he continues to do what he does know. 

There are a number of things that could be going wrong in this situation. You may not have enough lubrication involved, the position during intercourse may not be right for your body to enjoy the intercourse, you may not be mentally willing to enjoy yourself such as you are tired and really do not want to have intercourse, or there may be a physical problem that requires a visit to the doctor. The lubrication problem is easily solved in that there are a number of lubricants sold at your local grocery store next to the condoms. You’ll want to select a water-based lubricant like K-Y jelly. Positions during intercourse are easily changed and experimenting with who is on top, bottom, side, standing, sitting, or laying can be fun! Taking care of yourself on a day to day basis and watching your stress levels and physical health are important and having intercourse just to please your partner is not ok. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost and when you are healthy and happy intercourse can be great experience but if you are not in the mood do not force it. Finally, it never hurts to visit your doctor and let her or him know what is going on and a yearly exam is a GREAT idea if you are sexually active because, once again, your health is very, very important. 

Some other advice I can give you is take some time to explore your own body without your partner around. If you do not masturbate, try it. If you do, take your time and find all the hot spots that really turn you on. If you know your own body then it is easier to tell your partner what you want him to touch, lick, suck, nibble or caress. Intercourse and oral sex are only two things involved in sex and unfortunately, the important things like massage or kissing every part of someone’s body are put aside because the main focus is intercourse and orgasm. Expand you and your partner’s focus by exploring each other’s bodies, read a sex manual together or watch an erotic movie together. Try learning together some new intercourse position and then practice! For other suggestions on which books to read, go to  http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/books/htm .  You can find many of these books in your local bookstore. Remember to have fun and take care of your health and happiness! Erin Black, BA

 

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.

 

  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to alex@howtohavegoodsex.com and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 
                                                                                    

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