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HTHGS: Virginity ( written by Calee Spinney) 

Ask Calee, I'm a 27 year old virgin girl.  My wedding is after a couple of months.  I need your help. I come from a very conservative country where virginity is essential and regarded as a sign of morality.  I need to know how would a man know if his wife is a virgin or not? Will he feel the hymen break? Is bleeding a proof of virginity What if I don't bleed? I am so worried please advise.
Thank you :)

Dear Virgin girl,
There are very few concrete ways for a man to tell whether a woman is a virgin or not. The idea that all girls are born with a fully intact hymen covering the vaginal opening is actually a myth. Most girls are actually only born with a partial hymen, or none at all, so the bleeding associated with first sex that is attributed to the ‘breaking of the hymen,’ is an unreliable measure of whether a woman is a virgin or not. Generally, if a girl lives any kind of active lifestyle, she will break her hymen long before she has sex for the first time. This can happen any number of ways – by doing a cartwheel, riding horses, bicycling, etc. Even if the hymen was still present, it is unlikely that he would feel it break, because it is only a very thin membrane. 

Bleeding isn’t a good indicator of virginity either. While there is no real way to tell whether one is a virgin, one way one can usually tell that their partner is a virgin is a general lack of experience. With women, there also usually is some level of discomfort the first time, which can also be seen as a sign. It is important to remember that sex is a lifelong learning experience, and the first time can be scary and intimidating as well as exciting and wonderful. You need to be aware that there is a lot about sex to learn, and not worry about learning it all at once. I am more concerned about the root cause for your question.  Is there a reason why your partner wouldn’t believe that you were telling the truth about being a virgin? Have you been able to speak about this, or are you worried that if you don’t bleed that he’ll assume you aren’t a virgin? If you are comfortable with the idea, you can educate him about the female body by telling him that not all women bleed. It seems like the basic issue here is one of trust – if the two of you are taking this serious step into marriage, ideally he should not be looking for solid physiological evidence of your virginity. You deserve to be believed when you share your sexual history, just like you believe him. I think that it would be a good idea to talk to your partner about his expectations about this. Share this information with him, and let him do some research of his own if he likes. If you anticipate this being a major issue, then perhaps it would be a good idea to try to sort it out before the wedding night. That way, you are both on the same page going into things, and neither of you has serious worries to detract from the beauty of your wedding day. 

Try to not worry too much about whether you will bleed or not, because this is something that you have no control over. Worrying will only detract from your experience of sex with your new husband, and that’s not something you want. Sex really is a wonderful, joyous sharing experience, and you want to be able to enjoy it to the fullest. The best way you can connect to your husband is to love him and show this love to him – this way, he won’t doubt your virginity, whether you bleed or not. Remember, it is a myth that bleeding during intercourse is a sign of virginity, and it is an unreliable indicator of virginity. This can be confirmed by any reputable doctor in your area. I hope that this information helps you, and I wish you happiness in your future marriage.


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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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