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S&M, according to many people in the field of human sexuality, is included as a form of "safer sex". It is included in the continuum of safer sex because is more than just genital stimulation. It is about mental stimulation, sight, sounds, smells, and thoughts all become crucial to having a sexual experience.
The exchange of power: In S&M play, there are two primary roles 'dominant' and 'submissive'. What this means is that one person will be in charge and the other person will follow his/her directions. Once the two (or more) people have assumed their role of 'dominant' or 'submissive' the 'scene' has begun. These 'scenes' typically last anywhere between one second to several days. All this may be sounding too complex or unrealistic. Yet, in reality most people engage in this behavior without the use of these labels. Often in sexual encounters, there is some form of exchange of power. People tend to take turns receiving or giving sexual pleasure. This exchange of control is non-verbal. In the S&M that I am speaking of, the rules are more defined. Both people ahead of time have verbally agreed to the roles. The easiest way to think about S&M is by viewing it on a continuum with different degrees of dominance or submissiveness. The important part to realize is that all sexual relations use this exchange of power to some degree or another.
The Golden rule, knowing when no really means NO. One of the most critical parts to a successful role-play, is knowing when no really means NO. The dominant person should always be able to distinguish a real NO from a prescribed no. One useful technique, other than saying "The scene is over, please stop" is to use a code word. This word could be 'banana' or 'teddy bear' or some other such word that would be easy for both of you (or three, or four, or five . . . ) to remember. Once this word is used, the 'scene' is broken and both people leave their roles.
Actually (at least in my opinion) this is what makes S&M an exchange of power. In one sense the dominant person is in charge, because she/he is boss. In the other sense, the submissive person is in charge, because she/he controls when the scene ends. Point being, both people have power and control, it is just that in this case, the power and control is prescribed ahead of time. There are no surprises (at least in that respect).
Playing Rough (written by Alex Robboy, LSW)
Unless you tell him
DIRECTLY what you want, there is NO WAY he will ever know how to please you.
The general rule of thumb is that without guidance, itís your fault if he is
not pleasing you. Most men (and
women), are more than happy to experiment with new sexual behaviors if they know
it will turn their partner on. While
your boyfriend may be shy, and uncomfortable trying out new things, with LOTS of
encouragement and POSITIVE reinforcement almost everyone gets over their
embarrassment. For example, the first time some women have sex with the lights
on, they feel self conscious about their bodies. However, once they learn that
their partner thinks they look really sexy naked their discomfort dissipates.
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|September 6, 2006|