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HTHGS: Swapping Partners
I have a slight situation. That I am puzzled about. My wife and I are
open-minded about sex. Although we have only swapped partners on one
occasion we have discussed the topic several times. Well I recently had a
birthday, and for my birthday my wife arranged for one of her close friend to
join us intimately. On the night of my birthday my wife brought her friend
home and openly expressed what they intended to do with me. Of course I
was completely aroused, but also somewhat nervous. After my birthday
dinner out we all came home. As soon as we were all in the house, clothes
started flying, both my wife and her friend were standing in front of me
naked. They then proceeded to undress me and we all engaged in various
sexual activities. At the end of the evening I had had sex with them both
several times. I'm normally not a marathon sex person but the stimulation
was overwhelming. Well last weekend her friend came back to our house to
stay with us while she had her apartment painted. She made herself at home
so much so that she felt comfortable enough to walk around our house completely
naked in the evening. This did not seem to bother my wife at all.
But on one occasion when my wife went to the corner store. Her friend made
an advancement at me. And we ended up having sex while my wife was gone,
now I feel guilt because I did not tell my wife when she returned home nor did
her friend. That was last weekend and I know my wife is planning on having
her back to our house this weekend and I'm concerned the same thing may happen
again. I love my wife and don't want to hurt her but feel that she may be
upset if she knew that I engaged in sex with her friend while she was gone even
though she arranged for her friend to join us for my birthday. What should I do?
First, tell your wife exactly what you told me.
She needs to know a) what happened and b) that she is your number one
priority. In an open relationship,
which is what the two of you are experimenting with, the number one rule is
HONESTY. The number two rule is that no matter what your partners needs come
first. If she, for whatever reason becomes uncomfortable with a situation,
(feels like you are crossing a boundary) than she needs to know the facts, so
that she can make an informed decision for herself.
You might be surprised, with a bit of dialogue, the two of you might find
yourselves more open than your initially suspected.
However, without communication you will be finding yourself
in this awkward situation that you are currently in.
By not sharing with your wife what you and this other woman did you are
creating ‘secrets’ and thus effectively ‘cheating’ on her with her best
friend. Now you and this woman will have ‘bonded’ at the expense of your
wife. However, by telling your wife, this sexual get together that you had with
this other woman will become something that you and your wife can bond over
together and get closer through this discussion. This happens because your wife
will know that she is always number one and there is nothing that you are doing
without her consent!
this is all new and unchartered territory for the two of you, make sure you tell
her that you would never do anything to jeopardize this marriage and that this
woman, at least compared to the relationship that the two of you has means
nothing. Thus, if she wants you never to talk with this woman again, that would
be fine. If she wants to maintain a relationship with her, without you that
would be fine. The most important thing to you is that your wife feels
comfortable with the situation and you are wondering what her needs are!
This tip was originally written by Alex Robboy, LSW