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Having Sex for the First Time
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

Having sex for the first time

 Ask Alex,
I really learn a lot from your advise. Keep up with good work. I have one problem or rather concern; I am from a bit conservative society especially on the sex matters.  I'm going to get married next year and I am sure that my wife to be is a virgin. So far, I have met her only once but we keep in touch through phone calls.

 As I know the first experience of the virgin girl is very crucial and she going to feel a lot of pain and it might be a life time nightmare for her if I want to show how macho I am.

Therefore my concern is how to go about 1).  initiating and  2). having sex with her without hurting her or creating life time depression and scare.3) suitable position to be adopted.

 Hopefully you going help me on this matter, because I do not want to to create tension whenever I initiate sex to her.

Dear Concerned,
First, take a big breath and relax, you are already well on your way to having great sex. Intuitively you seem to be already doing the most important thing, wanting to please your partner.  Ultimately, pleasing your partner requires finding out what she wants, likes and desires. This requires a conversation. Since your main form of contact with her is via the telephone, you could either initiate a conversation with her over the telephone, or wait until you see her in person.  Remember, talking about sex is just as important as having sex!

 Given that you have minimal information about her sexual history, desires, likes or wants, and you want to make sure that this is a good experience for her, try letting her be in control. Often when women initiate (and men) they are in a better position to “own” their behavior. For example, after the two of you have begun kissing, do not immediate touch her breasts, wait for her hands to touch your breasts first. In addition, do not place your hands on her inner thighs until she has touched yours. In other words try to keep pace with her.  Sometimes you can lead a little bit, but mostly just try to stay parallel to her actions. This way, she will never feel rushed to do something that she is not ready for, and you will begin to learn what her level of sexual energy is like.

 In regards to your other question, what is the best position for having intercourse for the first time, I suggest the missionary position.

 Missionary Position (person with a penis or dildo on top) In the missionary position, the person with a penis or dildo is on top and assumes the dominant role. The other person who is on bottom assumes the passive role. (Each person is lying down, stomach-stomach, face-to-face. Most people may be able to remember using this position the first time they had sex or in their early days of sexual experimentation.) It is one of the tried and true methods for intercourse. Unfortunately, this position gets a lot of bad press. It is considered 'gendered and old-fashioned". I believe this is a great position for two reasons. First, the person on top has a lot of control over the degree of stimulation that they get and second, the person on bottom can easily increase their sexual pleasure by masturbating while simultaneously having intercourse. If the partner on top is especially coordinated, she/he could also help masturbate the person on bottom. Some of the techniques used to create an intimate environment are eye-to-eye contact, guiding your partners hip movements with your hands, massaging your partner's neck/back, nibbling the other person's ears, necks or lips. And of course, whispering something that only your partner can understand. 

Ps. Remember, sex takes practice. No matter how much reading you do to prepare yourself for your first sexual experience, first timers always encounter some type of difficulties.  They range from loss of erection, not lasting long enough, difficulty entering the vagina, bleeding, slight amounts of pain, and lack of coordination. But do not worry, these moments of confusion can actually enhance the sense of closeness that the two of you may feel as you embark upon a new experience together. A little bit of anxiety of increases ones sense of connectedness. Thus, while the actual sex may lack technique, the specialness of the situation can make for a wonderful night.


This Tip was originally submitted by Alex Robboy MSW (licensed in PA)



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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