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How
to ask for what you want
HTHGS:
Not getting what I want (written by Dr. Feintech)
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Dr. Feintech,
Hi. I have been with my boyfriend Steve for almost two years. I am his first
girlfriend so we have been taking slow physically. After a long period of time,
I have finally gotten him to start fingering me. I can only be close to an
orgasm if I am fingered or if given oral sex. Last night, he confessed to me
that he does not like to finger me because the last time he did, his fingers
smelled funny for about 2 days. Steve has never gone down on me and now I think
he never will. I have never had an orgasm and really want to experience it. So I
am very hurt and disappointed with what he said. However, he did say he wants me
to be pleasured and have an organism but he can't finger me anymore. Steve
suggested using a vibrator on me. I still feel kind of weird for him to do that.
I am just so hurt that he can't do what I want him to do anymore. I feel so
dirty and yucky even though Steve says not to feel that way. He says he knows
it's part of being a female. Is there anyway I can get him to change his mind
and continue to do what he had been doing? How will he ever go down on me? This
is the man I am going to marry. How can I marry someone who hasn't been able to
give me physical what I want?
Help!
Dear
Disappointed in CT,
You and your boyfriend do have some issues to address here. Let me
see if I can help you identify them.
As
you are his first girlfriend, he apparently has a very limited experiences
with vaginas and vaginal odors. Basically, there are two groups of vaginal
odors: The first group is what we might call the normal, healthy, robust, musky,
odor of a healthy, reasonably clean, vagina. This odor varies from
woman to woman, with some women being mild or slight in odor and other women
being very robust or strong. It also varies within a woman, depending
on hormonal factors, state of sexual arousal, etc. The majority of
males find this odor unobjectionable or even exciting....Actually, nature
intended it to be exciting as it contains "pheromones", natural
chemical odors which are actually designed by nature to attract the male.
I am assuming that the type of odor your boyfriend is objecting two is in this
category.
The
second group of vaginal odors are more objectionable, and more related to poor
hygiene or the presence of an abnormal vaginal condition, such as a yeast
infection, a ph problem, or other difficulty. If the odor which is
present falls into this category, the solution is better personal hygiene or a
medical consultation to rule out an abnormal vaginal condition.
Under
the assumption that whatever vaginal odor is present for you is of type I
(healthy, normal smell of a natural woman). Your boyfriend's negative reaction
may say more about his lack of experience, naiveté, or perhaps a personal
hang-up or immaturity than it says about you. He of course, is
entitled to his esthetic preferences, but he may have to look long and hard for
many years before he finds a woman whose vaginal odor doesn't offend him.
If you are understanding what I am saying, a certain level of robust messiness,
odor, and wetness, goes along with the territory and his difficulty in
accepting you may say much more about his level of maturity than it does about
you or your vagina.
So,
this having been said, Why are you taking it personally and allowing his
hang-up or immaturity to define you as "dirty and yucky".
If you are using him as a mirror for your adequacy as a woman, you are
in trouble. The impersonal solution of using a vibrator is about as
satisfactory as him wearing rubber gloves....it's not very sexy or intimate.
The
problem here is not that he cannot give you physically what you want.
It is that he cannot give you emotionally what you want. You are
well advised to rethink marriage and you might want to think about taking a
lover who rejoices and glories in your femininity and experiences you natural
odors as a turn on. If you truly love this person and
want to make it work, your best bet is to consult a qualified sex therapist to
help you and he sort out what is going on here. In the meantime,
self validate your worth as a woman instead of using him as a mirror for your
desirability. That is to say, because he doesn't desire you doesn't
mean you are not desirable.
Good Luck,
Ron
Feintech, Ph.D., FACAPP
Licensed Psychologist
Certified Sex Therapist, AASECT
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