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HTHGS: Fantasy - written by Alex Robboy

Fantasy can be a great way to increase you and your partner's sexual pleasure. Fantasy can be used alone, with a partner, or even in a group. With the use of fantasy, you can go anywhere, be anyone and do anything. In some ways, the use of fantasy is the best sexual technique possible. It's cheap, it's easy, it's yours, and best of all, the world will become yours, and you are the master.

Frequent concerns that people have when using fantasy

1) What does it say about me, or my partner that I / she/ he uses fantasy? What if my fantasy is to be raped? - and I enjoy it?

2) How will fantasy influence my sexual relationship? What if I decide that I like fantasy better than the real thing? What if I fantasize and do not tell my partner about it? Can we still be as close? Shouldn't my partner be enough to turn me on without using any type of aid? Most people, including married people, fantasize. Fantasies can include imagining your partner sucking harder on your nipples, taking more of your penis into his mouth, having her put her finger inside of you as she nibbles on your clitoral hood, thinking about how the person sitting across the bar from you might approach you and ask if he can buy you a drink. Fantasy is simply a way for people to imagine themselves having an intimate sexual experience in a lot of different ways. Fantasy is all inclusive and is not limited to just penile-vaginal intercourse.

Fantasies vary a lot from person to person. Some fantasies are about past lovers, friends or even people you have never met in person. Other fantasies are more related to setting; in a lighthouse, under a bed, in a car etc. Fantasies can focus on someone of the same - sex , yourself, and/or an inanimate object. There are no rules. Sometimes people feel upset by their fantasies because it does not include their partner. If this is the case one way to deal with your feelings is by focusing on the positive effects that these fantasies have on you and your partner's sexual relations.

1) Your increased arousal is something that you bring to the relationship.

2) Fantasy is an effective way of getting into a sexual mood. Fantasy helps you leave your worries about parenthood, and work behind and focus on the moment.

3) Fantasy is a way for you to take responsibility for your own level of arousal. You do not need to depend upon your partner to do all the physical and mental work for you. Fantasies are just that. Fantasy. Just because you fantasize about having an orgy, getting whipped, beating a loved one, or having sex in front of a live audience does not mean that you want these fantasies to become reality. Fantasy and behavior are two very different things.

For those of you who are still having negative feelings about your fantasies. Try discussing them with a friend or a partner (whichever feels less threatening). How do you know that you are having negative feelings about your fantasies? In what ways is it preventing/ increasing your sexual pleasure? Where did you learn to feel guilty? Whom else do you know that fantasizes? When was the first time you can remember fantasizing? How often does it occur? In what ways could you imagine your partner enhancing your fantasy? Have you ever tried constructing a joint fantasy? How is it similar? How is it different?

Most people can shrug off the fantasy of having their partner want to be sexual with a famous movie star because the chances of that fantasy ever becoming reality are quite small. In comparison, the fantasy that is most difficult to discuss is the one about a close friend. This fantasy seems to cause the greatest insecurities in the other partner. Yet, having sexual thoughts about lots of people is normal. Acting out on thoughts (while normal) does not always follow fantasy. The difference between fantasy and reality is behavior. In fact, usually if a partner is willing to take the risk to tell you about their 'fantasy' and risk your jealousy, they are coming to you because they trust you and want to get closer with you. They are not doing this because they are going to act on their behavior.

Tips written by Alex Robboy, LSW

HTHGS: Fantasy (written by Marcus, a subscriber) 

Yes, I have a sex tip for everyone. Think and fantasize at the 100% level of what you want or think you want to do but be very happy if you get 60%. When you have 2 minds, bodies and 2 backgrounds, assuming 2 people are involved, then 60% until you learn about each other much more and most people don't is a good baseline figure. With each additional person added, subtract 10%. This will give you a realistic expectation of pleasure actually attainable under normal conditions. The mind, advertising (cosmetic, visual and clothing) smell and hearing of the cues needed for 2 people are the most important. The sexual joining is where most people get disenchanted because it is primarily, if most of the prerequisite conditions aren't met, limited by the endurance and other factors not wholly controllable on demand.

To recap; the mind, senses and cues that are needed control the real percentage of the intensity of sex or whatever experience is wanted for that matter. The actual physical part of sex is nothing but a small part of the whole but it is made out to be whole fabric instead of part. Marcus




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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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