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How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

HTHGS:  Locating the clit (written by Kelly Connell, MS.Ed.)

Ask Kelly, 
I'm a newbie to this whole sex thing.  I've had it before, but I don't think I was ready even though I thought I was at the time.  But regardless, I'm currently in a new relationship and my girlfriend and I decided to take it slow.  We've been getting increasingly more intimate and I'm having trouble finding her clitoris with my finger.  It is disappointing to have the moment I stick my hand down her pants to be the anti-climax of our foreplay instead of the climax.  We communicate well but we simply can't find a spot that arouses her.  Most of the time she says it feels like nothing.  I've read up and looked at diagrams to find where the clitoris is, but none of it seems to help.  She is a virgin and doesn't masturbate, and therefore, has as much of an idea where her clitoris is as I do.  Itís not necessary, but I love her and I'd like to be able to please her physically as well as emotionally.  I know that it is different for every girl, but are there some girls where the clitoris simply can't be accessed?  Does the fact that she's a virgin have anything to do with it?  What are some ways to help explore her vagina?  If I touch the clitoris will she feel something right away? How long should I stay in one area to know if it's the clitoris?  I'm simply inexperienced, and uneducated in this matter.  Any information, that's not already on your web page, regarding this subject would be extremely helpful. Thank you for your time, Adam

Dear Adam,
First, our girlfriend should take a hand mirror and examine her own genitals when she is by herself. She should explore her own body and she where things are and become comfortable with that. There is NOTHING wrong with masturbation and I would encourage her to do so. Masturbation does not always have to result in orgasm.  It is simply the stimulating of one's own genitals for pleasure. It is perfectly normal and everyone does it as some point in their lives. If you do not experiment with your own body, how can you tell anyone else what feels good for you?

Being a virgin has nothing to do with being able to find your own or someone else's clitoris. When a person is not aroused, the clitoris stays within the clitoral hood. When the person is aroused, it comes out and becomes erect.

 The clitoris can be very sensitive in many different ways. when aroused, touching it can give great pleasure. when not aroused or when over stimulated, touching it can be really irritating. Go slow. Don't try to run it so hard or so fast at first that it looks like you are trying to erase it.

 I would suggest that after she explore her own body with a mirror, you should do it together. And don't be afraid to explore your body too!

 Vagina exploration can be accomplished with a mirror as well. Also try inserting your finger into her vagina, slowly and gently at first and then let her tell you how she likes to be stimulated. 

The fact that you love your girlfriend and took the time to write to me shows that you care about her and about having a healthy sex life. Remember, when two people are starting to be sexual together, it takes time to get to know each other and relax. She may be nervous or scared since she has never had sex, or she may have been brought up to feel like it is dirty.  It takes time and patience, but it can always improve as you get to know each other's bodies and what feels good.

 The clitoris is there! Just relax and try the things I have mentioned and see how it goes from there. Good luck! Kelly Connell MS.Ed.



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
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