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Past Tips


How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

  • More comfort (Written by Shan&Claude)

  • Virgins & Virginity

  • Virginity (written by Shan&Claude)

  • Having sex for the first time ( Written by Shan & Claude)

  • My first time (Written by Shan&Claude)

  • Sex for the first time, (written by Shan & Claude)

HTHGS: More comfort (Written by Shan&Claude)

Dear Shan&Claude,
I need to know how to make my girlfriend, who's a virgin, feel more comfortable with having sex, physically and mentally! Please write me back with what you think I should do. JB please help me,

Dear “JB please help me,”
This is an excellent question.  We will explain our perspective and how we would approach this sensitive and complex situation.  Hopefully, after reading our ideas you may be able to select the idea(s) that best matches your values and needs.

 To start off with honesty and openness are your greatest allies and  pressure and manipulation are your enemies.  We always recommend communication, communication, and more communication!  It may benefit you to explain to her that you deeply desire to be in a relationship that includes intercourse. Being up-front and honest goes a long way. You may discover that you both have different needs at the moment. One scenario is that you both may need to seek different relationships that fulfill what you each desire and need.  That may sound extreme, but it is better than months or years of you being miserable or her feeling guilty and pressured.  If that happened at least you broke up because you both discovered that you had different values and needs and not because you two were treating one another poorly.  Hopefully, the situation does not end with you breaking up!  Of course, there are options that are not so “black or white.”

 You may want to think about and prepare yourself for options.  For example what if she said that she isn’t ready yet, but may be in a month?  Would you be willing to talk with her about it and wait and see?  What is she agreed to manually stimulate you?  What is she agreed to watch you masturbate? Would that be satisfying to you?  There are a lot of hot options other than intercourse that you both could enjoy.  Sometimes these options are called foreplay or outercourse.  Our point is ­ would you be willing to compromise or does it have to be intercourse?  It may benefit you to know what you want and need out of the relationship when you go into the situation to speak with her about these issues.

 The main problem with this situation is that you may come across as “sleep with me or I will break up with you.”  It is important to avoid that scenario ­ because that is not how it should be put.  You and her both deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills your needs.  If that includes intercourse for you, but not for her - you two may indeed have a major situation. This situation has the tendency to paint you as the aggressive boyfriend who is hunting for sex and her as the prude girl defending her virginity.  The way we see it is that you are a person interested in intercourse and she may not be ready and may never be ready or not ready until marriage.  You will have to find that you before making any decisions. You both have values that are valid and important and need to be respected. Better you found out where she is at and her boundaries and learn one another’s expectations than try to pressure her or “convince” her through emotional blackmail like “if you loved me you would” or some other manipulative tactics.

 You need to remember this young woman is a virgin and the first person who she has intercourse with she will probably remember for a long long time. If you really care about her it seems to us that you would want her to be ready and comfortable and know about contraception. The last thing you want is to bully someone into having intercourse with you!  We assume you don’t want to be remembered as that jerk who bullied her for months until she gave in and then had a miserable first time?  We assume you would want her first time to be very special and pleasurable and caring. She (and you) will remember your feelings about the situation and about one another for a long time and those feelings may powerfully influence your feelings about intercourse and sexual behavior. 

Also, you did not include your age, but regardless of age we would hope that you could both speak openly about something like intercourse and other sexual behavior BEFORE you went forward to engage in such behaviors.  It would be a good investment of your time if you and her studied methods of contraception and disease prevention.  Perhaps if she knew how to prevent pregnancy and disease she would feel more knowledgeable, less afraid, and more willing to explore sexual behavior? Contraception, prevention methods, communication, mutual respect and honesty are important skills and tools that everyone who is engaging in any form of intercourse (oral, anal, or vaginal) should understand and practice. We hope that helps,  Shan&Claude

HTHGS: Virginity (written by Shan&Claude)

 Ask Shan&Claude,
I need to ask u guys a question I had a girl friend, one day she told me she masturbate herself and she used different things to simulate her self in to her vagina and she keep asking me that is she virgin any more or not and she never had a intercourse and now she feels she no more virgin and its upset her but I don't know what to tell her so I was wondering if you could give me a little help here This would be much appreciated if you could take the time and e-mail me back.

Dear Hi,
Virginity is defined differently by different people.  Some people have anal sex and still consider themselves a virgin so long as there was not vaginal penetration.  Some people consider themselves a virgin if they have had oral sex.  This raises the question - what is virginity?  Could it be a state of mind?  We believe that if the girl you mentioned wants to call herself a virgin then she is most certainly entitled to do so.  Many young women who have not had “sex” have inserted a tampon into their vagina when they get their period (menstruation). Even if the woman you mentioned inserted those objects for pleasure we believe she could still call herself a virgin if she wants to! 

These issues are good to study because our country (and others) are overly focused on being a virgin when in fact what virginity means is very vague and subjective.  For example a lesbian could go her entire life and still be considered a virgin by many people even though she may have had a lot of great sex. Also, just because someone has not had penile-vaginal intercourse does not necessarily make them pure or innocent, nice, or moral.  A good friend of ours once said that the entire concept of virginity is judgmental and negative and confusing.  We are inclined to agree. Hope that helps, Shan&Claude

HTHGS: Having sex for the first time (Written by Shan&Claude)

Ask Shan&Claude,
Hi, this is my first time having sex, and I am about to do it with somebody that I have very strong feelings for, is there any pointers that you can give me so I can make the first time very good for her,(this is her first time too) and all the other encounters pleasurable too. Thanks.

Dear Two virgins –
This is a wonderful question and no one should be denied a response.  Someone asked a very similar question (and we answered it) that speaks to this issue on the website. If you need more insight than our other answer provides about first experiences please contact us again.  Whether it is wonderful or awful most people remember their first time!  One of the most important things to keep in mind is comfort.  If you two are comfortable with one another and are comfortable communicating about sex and contraception and sexual histories chances are your first experience with intercourse will also be comfortable and also probably enjoyable. But, most people are not comfortable communicating about any of these things!  There are positives and negatives about intercourse and the more you know about both the more prepared you will be to make “safe” and responsible decisions.  We encourage you to use protection (condoms and some other method) and communicate and take your time.  Have a wonderful time enjoying one another - if you have decided that you are both ready. To a pleasurable and safe first time, Shan&Claude

HTHGS: My first time (Written by Shan&Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
Hi, I was wondering if you could give me some ideas regarding a situation I'm in. I've been seeing this guy for a while now, and I'm a virgin. I wanted to wait until I found someone as special as him to share my first time with. We communicate well, but I wanted to surprise him, through words... I'm a poet and this has been quite a challenge....I don't want to sound cheesy or crude. I'm sure I'll think of something but from a guys perspective is this a good idea? or should I just tell him I'm ready flat out? I don't think romance is dead, but I’m not a guy. thanks Maria

Dear Maria,
We seldom get such artist questions!  This really seems like a matter of style.

Congrats on finding someone special to share your first time.  There is no way to say what “guys” think.  What one guy will love another may hate.  If you are a poet and he is special and cares for you we are sure he will be touched by whatever you decide. 

Some ideas (these were fun to come up with):  a poem, a striptease, a poem written on your body, no words at all ­ just action, buying condoms together (or getting tested together), a collage, hmmm… what really says “I want to share my first time with you???"  You could always use the words you have already written to tell him!  You could take him to this website and have him read the caring words you have already written to demonstrate how invested you are in sharing something with him?   So ­ hey if you are the boyfriend and reading this right now have fun!  Also ­ go slow, communicate, don't be afraid to make noise, use condoms and lubrication, make her (possible yours as well) first time special and memorable, and give attention to her clitoris!!   Shan & Claude

HTHGS: Sex for the first time, (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
Is there anything else I need to know before I have sex with my girlfriend for the first time.... I know I need a lubricant, do u have any other suggestions. Also I am afraid that it might be unbearable for her, because I have heard in the past that I have a large penis, is there any advice you can offer me about this situation... Thanks

Dear first time,
Our main advice would be to communicate with her.  You may need lubrication ­ or you may not.  You will need to ask your partner how she feels and what feels good and so forth.  We hope that you have communicated about contraception and how you are both going to protect yourselves from diseases and viruses.  Sex has a beautiful side and a dark side and both should be discussed with equal time, passion, and attention.    Hope that helps!
  Shan & Claude




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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
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