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Sexual Abuse
How To Have Good Sex, Inc. 

HTHGS: Sexual Abuse (written by Shan & Claudette MS.Ed.)

Ask Shan & Claudette,
Hi my name is Larni-Jean and I am 22 my question is similar to Renee's I was abused sexually from the ages of 1-5 yrs and held onto the abuse due to the fact my mother was ill at the time and my father was working f/time. I was handed around to family from my mothers side so her brother in law up the road picked me up when he could that's when the trouble started... Until I held onto it till I got raped again at the age of 18 at a friends house and it all came flooding back... Well after that I found a partner and I was doing work experience I saw him while working and memories feared me so I left. My mate concerned wanted to know so I played around first before I told him. I was given much support to have counseling and I was restarting my classes. But he then though while having sex that this was not because I was abused and raped too.  I said nothing thinking I could heal by my self. 

I then did not go back onto contraception and fell pregnant.  This I thought would solve my problems.  But unfortunately it has not covered up my past. 

I am finding it a bit difficult to come to terms with this.  I do not know whether I  have done the right thing or not?  Although I love my son very much because he was born male I didn't think I might cope as my I was abused by my Uncle. But I have done well so far I think?  Every where my mate goes I got to go and he cant understand the way I want sex regards to being the same as the abuse as I reckon it makes me feel better and it blocks me from my mind.  I reckon this is not right do you have any suggestions.  I really want to have a loving relationship and have good sex after all while still loving my child.
Larni-Jean

Dear L-J,
You sound like you are in a lot of pain.  We recommend that you contact some local social agencies in your area to inquire about services.  There are many numbers and websites that could help you deal with your past abuse and what is haunting you currently.  Many of the numbers are in the Blue Pages of the phone book.  You may want to start with RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) 1 800 656-HOPE or the Family Violence Awareness Page (www.famvi.org) or the National Resource Center on Violence 1 800 537-2238.  Some rare individuals can heal by themselves ≠ but most need help.  Much of your pain was caused by the cruelty of others let a kind and helping person counter some of the abuse that you have experienced. As you have discovered having a baby does not make previous pain disappear.  Nothing will bury your pain so deep as to make you forget about it forever. 

 Dealing with it and looking at your pain, on your terms and when you are ready, is the best way to go about healing.  It may comfort you to know that as a parent you play a very important part in your sonís life and you can help him grow into a man who does not treat women or girls with the disrespect and violence that you experienced.  We highly recommend that you seek a counselor or therapist to talk about these powerful issues that still continue to impact many of your decisions and feelings about yourself and how you interact with (and what you think about) men.  We hope this e-mail is the springboard that encourages you to seek professional help to begin the road to healing or re-defining your life.  Shan & Claude

 

 

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.

 

  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to alex@howtohavegoodsex.com and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 
                                                                                    

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