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In Love 
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

HTHGS: In Love (written by Shan & Claude MS.Ed.)

Ask Shan & Claude,
Although this request might sound strange, I will ask you anyway and hope I'll get an answer. My boyfriend and I had a big argument concerning the future of our relationship a few weeks ago. Since then, we haven't seen each other, we just spoke on the phone. It seems to me we broke up, although, when we talk on the phone, there's something there, which is impossible to describe. I really love him with all my heart but I never told him in those words. I told him I really care a lot about him. I am sure that he also has strong feelings for me even if he doesn't speak them out. It's something in the way we are when we are together. The sex is great with him. The communication is good, we don't tell each other everything and he knows it. It's like an unspoken deal we have. He told me he has a problem with the fact that I am older than he is (by 3 yrs). I don't care. I can't stop thinking about him. Saturday is his birthday and he seemed depressed because he thinks that at his age he should be married. I am not sure about this. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about him and I want to be 24/7 with him. How do I tell him that I want to spend my life with him without pressuring him. Furthermore how do I get him completely back to me? I know this sounds corny but I really need some advice here. Thank you, Karen

Dear Karen,
It sounds like you two need to talk!  Until you hear from him about how he feels you will probably continue to speculate and wrestle with these issues in your head.  We don’t know enough about your partner to guess what is going on for him.  Perhaps he thinks because of the argument that you are broken up?  Maybe he doesn’t know that you can survive arguments?  Maybe he needs some time to think or be alone?  These questions could go on indefinitely. 

Regarding another issue… how do you know you have an unspoken deal or agreement if it is unspoken?  Many couples have a “don’t ask – don’t tell policy” but even then it is usually communicated.  We would recommend that you talk about the boundaries and norms in your relationship.  We recommend this because we have seen too many people get hurt, jealous, and infected because of unspoken and “assumed” deals.  So long as you are both consenting you are free to run your relationships as you want!  But, it is hard to consent to something if you don’t know about it or communicate about it.

 Congratulations for being in love.  Some people never get to experience the rush and excitement that sometimes comes with love.  As far as when to tell him and how to tell him that you love him is a complex issue.  Perhaps talking about your future did scare him?  There is really only one way to find all of this out – communication.  Could we recommend that you go out to dinner or something and tell him you really need to talk?  It seems like you need to both sit down for a good extended talk to find out where you are both at in this relationship. Shan & Claude



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
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