How To Have Good Sex, Inc.
Communication (Written by Shan & Claude)
by Shan & Claude)
turn my wife on (written by Shan & Claude)
behaviors in bed (written by Shan & Claude)
Communication by other
HTHGS: Communication (Written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
Although this request might sound strange, I will ask you anyway and hope I'll
get an answer. My boyfriend and I had a big argument concerning the future of
our relationship a few weeks ago. Since then, we have not seen each other, we
just spoke on the phone. It seems to me we broke up, although, when we talk on
the phone, there is something there which is impossible to describe. I really
love him with all my heart but I never told him in those words. I told him I
really care a lot about him. I am sure that he also has strong feelings for me
even if he does not speak them out. It is something in the way we are when we
are together. The sex is great with him. The communication is good, we do not
tell each other everything and he knows it. It is like an unspoken deal we have.
He told me he has a problem with the fact that I am three years older than he
is. I do not care. I ca not stop thinking about him. Saturday is his birthday
and he seemed depressed because he thinks that at his age he should be married.
I am not sure about this. All I know is that I cannot stop thinking about him
and I want to be 24/7 with him. How do I tell him that I want to spend my life
with him without pressuring him and how do I get him completely back to me? I
know this sounds corny but I really need some advice here. Thank you, Karen
It sounds like you two need to talk! Until
you hear from him about how he feels you will probably continue to speculate and
wrestle with these issues in your head. We
do not know enough about your partner to guess what is going on for him.
Perhaps he thinks because of the argument that you are broken up?
Maybe he does not know that you can survive arguments?
Maybe he needs some time to think or be alone?
These questions could go on indefinitely.
Regarding another issueÖ how do you know you have an
unspoken deal or agreement if it is unspoken?
Many couples have a ďdonít ask Ė donít tell policyĒ but even
then it is usually communicated. We
would recommend that you talk about the boundaries and norms in your
relationship. We recommend this
because we have seen too many people get hurt, jealous, and infected because of
unspoken and ďassumedĒ deals. So
long as you are both consenting you are free to run your relationships as you
want! But, it is hard to consent to
something if you donít know about it or communicate about it.
Congratulations for being in love.
Some people never get to experience the rush and excitement that
sometimes comes with love. As far
as when to tell him and how to tell him that you love him is a complex issue.
Perhaps talking about your future did scare him?
There is really only one way to find all of this out Ė communication.
Could we recommend that you go out to dinner or something and tell him
you really need to talk? It seems like you need to both sit down for a good extended
talk to find out where you are both at in this relationship. Shan
HTHGS: I can't turn my
wife on (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I kind of feel awkward doing this but I really need some advice to help my
relationship. I think that we are both unhappy with our sex life
currently. It doesnít happen often and when it does its not very fulfilling.
The main problem right now is I canít seem to turn her on. I try everything I
know how but I usually just end up getting frustrated and turning over. I try
rubbing kissing you name it. She just lies there and does not show any interest.
When we actually do have sex or do something she doesnít make any noise or
outwardly show that she likes what I am doing. I truly feel she does enjoy at
least most of the stuff I do and I do know that she does orgasm. But I donít
think that itís very intense or exciting. I have a very hard time figuring out
what she likes because she doesnít show any emotion. She lays there most of
the time very quietly. I have tried talking to her and asking her but she
doesnít seem to like that. It is really killing my self-esteem; I feel
that itís my fault. I feel that maybe she doesnít like what I am doing, or
my penis is too small, or that I am not attractive to her, or that I donít
last long enough.
I have been reading allot of your sex
tips especially on how to last longer in bed. It talks allot about being able to
tell when your going to ejaculate. I know when itís about to happen but I
canít stop it, the only thing I can do is stop and even then sometimes I
canít stop it. I have tried thinking about other things when we are doing it,
and not focusing on the feeling. But none of that seems to work. I feel stupid
when I have to stop every other minute. I also donít think she likes it when I
do that. I want to get her to try the techniques you have on how to last longer
but I really donít think she will do it. We have a hard time talking about
that kind of stuff. I especially donít think she would help me do all of that
for the weeks and months you say it takes. Is there any way to do this without
her or something else that I might be able to try?
I have seriously considered getting
something to enlarge my penis but I donít know what really works. I also
donít know how to get one without her finding out. She freaked out when she
found out that I masturbated. Even now the subject is very taboo with her. I
have asked her several times about my size and she says that I am plenty big,
and that she does not want me any bigger. I donít feel sheís giving me an
honest answer. Itís a taboo subject but all the time you hear about size does
matter and when guys have a big dick girls are very attracted to him. I honestly
donít know if I am small but I feel that I am. It is approximately 6 1/2
inches long and 1 1/2 inches wide.
I am just very frustrated with all of
this because itís very hard to get any kind of an answer out of her. It is
also very hard to tell what she likes because she doesnít show any emotion
during sex. The only answer I can come up with is itís a problem with me or
how I am doing it.
All that I do know is that I am very
unhappy with our sex life. I love her, and I want to please her. I am willing to
do whatever it takes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated,
regard to your question about her involvement ≠ yes she should most definitely
be involved. Your relationship problem is with the level of communication
in your relationship ≠ it is not with the size of your penis or your technique
or how long you last. Also, donít be so hard on yourself. Your
penis size is absolutely ďnormal.Ē It sounds like you really need to
have many talks with her. You will need to express your feelings and tell
her how much these issues impact your happiness and mental health. Shan &
Because you havenít been able to communicate well with your girlfriend your
deepest fears are haunting you. When you donít know something your
insecurities start to eat away at you. Communicating with her is very
important to learn about her experience of sex with you. All you need to
do is tell her what you told us - that not knowing is killing your self-esteem!
She should care enough to speak with you to help you understand her needs and
feelings. However, understand that many times women and girls are not
taught anything about sex because so many people believe they should be pure and
virginal. She may not know what hot sex sounds like or what it looks like.
She may be scared to make noise. She may not enjoy sex. She may not
know how to communicate with you. She may be embarrassed to have a sexual
conversation with you. Our culture often robs women of the ability to be
sexual and sometimes imprisons women in linguistic and sexual ghettos. You
should help each other start to have open and honest conversations about sex if
you are going to continue having intercourse. If you canít talk about it
you probably should not be doing it.
HTHGS: Kinky behaviors in bed (written by
Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I have an embarrassing question. My man asked me to marry him and in return I
want to do something special for him. (kinky) he is
what you call a freak in bed and I want it to be something he'll never
forget. I have been reading and the main thing we do is me on top and him on
top. Do not get me wrong he is the best but I just want ideas for things that
will blow his mind and make him beg for more. Do you have any ideas about 4-play
and then intercourse (toys, outfits, and anything goes)? Any ideas I will be
truly grateful. Della
Congratulations on the marriage proposal. You sound really open to just about
anything! But, alas what we recommend may not excite him. We could recommend
something and it just may not get him off. You must know him really well, what
fantasy do you think he would really like to have fulfilled? If you really want
to please him physically, study what he wants mentally/psychologically! If he
has any pornography/erotica study what kind it is and formulate a scene or
outfit to match his favorite fantasies. If that doesnít work just toss his
We are just kidding Ė the best way is to ask him! But, if you need it to be a
surprise you will have to study what you know about him and then try to make it
a reality. Enjoy, Shan & Claude