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Past Tips


How To Have Good Sex, Inc.

  • Communication (Written by Shan & Claude)

  • Deceit (Written by Shan & Claude)

  • I can't turn my wife on (written by Shan & Claude)  

  •  Kinky behaviors in bed (written by Shan & Claude)

  • Communication by other sexperts


HTHGS: Communication (Written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
Although this request might sound strange, I will ask you anyway and hope I'll get an answer. My boyfriend and I had a big argument concerning the future of our relationship a few weeks ago. Since then, we have not seen each other, we just spoke on the phone. It seems to me we broke up, although, when we talk on the phone, there is something there which is impossible to describe. I really love him with all my heart but I never told him in those words. I told him I really care a lot about him. I am sure that he also has strong feelings for me even if he does not speak them out. It is something in the way we are when we are together. The sex is great with him. The communication is good, we do not tell each other everything and he knows it. It is like an unspoken deal we have. He told me he has a problem with the fact that I am three years older than he is. I do not care. I ca not stop thinking about him. Saturday is his birthday and he seemed depressed because he thinks that at his age he should be married. I am not sure about this. All I know is that I cannot stop thinking about him and I want to be 24/7 with him. How do I tell him that I want to spend my life with him without pressuring him and how do I get him completely back to me? I know this sounds corny but I really need some advice here. Thank you, Karen


Dear Karen,
It sounds like you two need to talk!  Until you hear from him about how he feels you will probably continue to speculate and wrestle with these issues in your head.  We do not know enough about your partner to guess what is going on for him.  Perhaps he thinks because of the argument that you are broken up?  Maybe he does not know that you can survive arguments?  Maybe he needs some time to think or be alone?  These questions could go on indefinitely. 

Regarding another issueÖ how do you know you have an unspoken deal or agreement if it is unspoken?  Many couples have a ďdonít ask Ė donít tell policyĒ but even then it is usually communicated.  We would recommend that you talk about the boundaries and norms in your relationship.  We recommend this because we have seen too many people get hurt, jealous, and infected because of unspoken and ďassumedĒ deals.  So long as you are both consenting you are free to run your relationships as you want!  But, it is hard to consent to something if you donít know about it or communicate about it.

Congratulations for being in love.  Some people never get to experience the rush and excitement that sometimes comes with love.  As far as when to tell him and how to tell him that you love him is a complex issue.  Perhaps talking about your future did scare him?  There is really only one way to find all of this out Ė communication.  Could we recommend that you go out to dinner or something and tell him you really need to talk?  It seems like you need to both sit down for a good extended talk to find out where you are both at in this relationship.            Shan & Claude



HTHGS: I can't turn my wife on (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
I kind of feel awkward doing this but I really need some advice to help my relationship.  I think that we are both unhappy with our sex life currently. It doesnít happen often and when it does its not very fulfilling. The main problem right now is I canít seem to turn her on. I try everything I know how but I usually just end up getting frustrated and turning over. I try rubbing kissing you name it. She just lies there and does not show any interest. When we actually do have sex or do something she doesnít make any noise or outwardly show that she likes what I am doing. I truly feel she does enjoy at least most of the stuff I do and I do know that she does orgasm. But I donít think that itís very intense or exciting. I have a very hard time figuring out what she likes because she doesnít show any emotion. She lays there most of the time very quietly. I have tried talking to her and asking her but she doesnít seem to like that.  It is really killing my self-esteem; I feel that itís my fault. I feel that maybe she doesnít like what I am doing, or my penis is too small, or that I am not attractive to her, or that I donít last long enough.

I have been reading allot of your sex tips especially on how to last longer in bed. It talks allot about being able to tell when your going to ejaculate. I know when itís about to happen but I canít stop it, the only thing I can do is stop and even then sometimes I canít stop it. I have tried thinking about other things when we are doing it, and not focusing on the feeling. But none of that seems to work. I feel stupid when I have to stop every other minute. I also donít think she likes it when I do that. I want to get her to try the techniques you have on how to last longer but I really donít think she will do it. We have a hard time talking about that kind of stuff. I especially donít think she would help me do all of that for the weeks and months you say it takes. Is there any way to do this without her or something else that I might be able to try?

I have seriously considered getting something to enlarge my penis but I donít know what really works. I also donít know how to get one without her finding out. She freaked out when she found out that I masturbated. Even now the subject is very taboo with her. I have asked her several times about my size and she says that I am plenty big, and that she does not want me any bigger. I donít feel sheís giving me an honest answer. Itís a taboo subject but all the time you hear about size does matter and when guys have a big dick girls are very attracted to him. I honestly donít know if I am small but I feel that I am. It is approximately 6 1/2 inches long and 1 1/2 inches wide.

I am just very frustrated with all of this because itís very hard to get any kind of an answer out of her. It is also very hard to tell what she likes because she doesnít show any emotion during sex. The only answer I can come up with is itís a problem with me or how I am doing it.

All that I do know is that I am very unhappy with our sex life. I love her, and I want to please her. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Dear Jeremy,
Because you havenít been able to communicate well with your girlfriend your deepest fears are haunting you.  When you donít know something your insecurities start to eat away at you.  Communicating with her is very important to learn about her experience of sex with you.  All you need to do is tell her what you told us - that not knowing is killing your self-esteem!  She should care enough to speak with you to help you understand her needs and feelings.  However, understand that many times women and girls are not taught anything about sex because so many people believe they should be pure and virginal.  She may not know what hot sex sounds like or what it looks like.  She may be scared to make noise.  She may not enjoy sex.  She may not know how to communicate with you.  She may be embarrassed to have a sexual conversation with you.  Our culture often robs women of the ability to be sexual and sometimes imprisons women in linguistic and sexual ghettos.  You should help each other start to have open and honest conversations about sex if you are going to continue having intercourse.  If you canít talk about it you probably should not be doing it. 

In regard to your question about her involvement ≠ yes she should most definitely be involved.  Your relationship problem is with the level of communication in your relationship ≠ it is not with the size of your penis or your technique or how long you last.  Also, donít be so hard on yourself.  Your penis size is absolutely ďnormal.Ē  It sounds like you really need to have many talks with her.  You will need to express your feelings and tell her how much these issues impact your happiness and mental health. Shan & Claude


HTHGS: Kinky behaviors in bed (written by Shan & Claude)

Ask Shan & Claude,
I have an embarrassing question. My man asked me to marry him and in return I want to do something special for him. (kinky) he is what you call a freak in bed and I want it to be something he'll never forget. I have been reading and the main thing we do is me on top and him on top. Do not get me wrong he is the best but I just want ideas for things that will blow his mind and make him beg for more. Do you have any ideas about 4-play and then intercourse (toys, outfits, and anything goes)? Any ideas I will be truly grateful. Della 

 Dear Della,
Congratulations on the marriage proposal. You sound really open to just about anything! But, alas what we recommend may not excite him. We could recommend something and it just may not get him off. You must know him really well, what fantasy do you think he would really like to have fulfilled? If you really want to please him physically, study what he wants mentally/psychologically! If he has any pornography/erotica study what kind it is and formulate a scene or outfit to match his favorite fantasies. If that doesnít work just toss his salad.
J We are just kidding Ė the best way is to ask him! But, if you need it to be a surprise you will have to study what you know about him and then try to make it a reality. Enjoy, Shan & Claude 



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
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