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HTHGS: Woman on Top (Erin Black, BA)

Ask Erin,
Hey, my name is LisaÖand my boyfriend and are very serious and of course we full aroundÖwe have sex and it feels good when heís on top and then we do it doggy style as well but Iím so afraid to do it on topÖI seriously donít want him to be like ďwhat the hell is she doingĒ or I donít want to look badÖcan u help me with how to do itÖor at least some tips??

Dear Lisa,
Letís talk about why you are so afraid to be on top during sex.  You are worried that your boyfriend will think you donít know what you are doing and you are afraid that your lack of knowing what to do will ruin the sex.  Some people say the best way to get past a fear is to just jump right into it.  I think that is a great idea!

 So, letís make you as comfortable with the idea of being on top as possible, give you some tips and then send you off to practice! 

 There are a number of benefits to the woman choosing to be on top during sexual intercourse.  First, she is in control of just about everything.  She decides when, how hard and how often her partners penis will enter the vagina.  This can be especially fun because you can drive your boyfriend mad by taking your time or really going at it and then backing off and starting all over again.  Another benefit to being on top, for some women, is it is easier to reach orgasm.  The clitoris is easier to access for massage, which either you or your partner can do.  Also, by being on top the woman is tensing more muscles which helps to tense the pelvic muscles that create the sensation of orgasm by pulsing.  One more benefit is having a great vantage point to watch what your boyfriend is experiencing by watching his facial expressions and for some, the level of intimacy increases with all that eye contact.  Of course, you can choose to close your eyes, throw your head back or even bury your head in his chest while you are on top if you donít want to look at him.

 Now that we have covered some positives for being on top letís talk tips.  You can discuss with him about wanting to try new positions and then tell him what you had in mind.  You could push him onto the bed without a word, stripping his clothes off piece by piece and telling him in your most seductive voice that you are taking over tonight.  Or you could roll him over after you have started intercourse in the missionary position and climb on top.  Once you have him flat on his back you want to straddle his body, one of your legs on either side of his so that your vulva is hovering over his penis.  Some women find that it is easier to get his penis into their vagina when they are on top and they donít have to use their hand to direct it in.  Go with what you feel comfortable with and never forget the power of foreplay. 

 You donít have to jump right into the sexual intercourse especially if you are expressing your decision to be in control.  Kiss him all over by starting at the top or bottom and working your way all over his body.  Ask him nicely or tell him he is not allowed to touch you and he has to put his hands behind his head.  Many men love it when a woman takes control.  Once you are to the sexual intercourse remember to go with what you feel.  If you are enjoying going slow and easy then go slow and easy.  If you feel you need to go faster and harder then go faster and harder.  Ask your boyfriend what he is enjoying and to tell you what he wants but also listen to what your body is saying.  There are times when his penis may fall out of your vagina while you are pumping Ė it happens and you just put it back in and just keep going.  You can laugh about it and move on but donít let it stress you because it happens to most everyone. J  Also, being on top can be exhausting so donít worry about having to stay on top.  Switch to a different position or just take a break.  It is hard to have fun when your arms turn to jelly or you get a cramp in your leg. 

 Having sex is not necessarily pretty or perfect like Hollywood makes it out to be.  Sometimes you bang your head on the wall or while trying to make some suave move someone falls off the bed or the coffee table breaks.  The great thing about having a boyfriend or girlfriend is the freedom to experiment and laughing together when something funny happens.  For many people sex is about having fun and you should enjoy it in any number of positions, on any surface you choose and for as long as you want.  Your boyfriend probably wants you to enjoy sex and is not likely to laugh at you if you are a bit nervous.  If he does ridicule you and make you feel bad than question the healthiness of staying in a relationship with someone who does not respect you.  There is a big chance, though, that he is just as nervous as you are or maybe he would welcome the idea of helping to teach you new things.  Try talking to him and see exactly what he is feeling and what he thinks about trying to different positions. 

 I can recommend an excellent book that both women and men can enjoy and is fun to read together as a couple Ė The Guide to Getting It On by the staff of Goofy Foot Press.  You can find a reference to this book at this website under the general sex heading Ė  You can also pick it up at a number of bookstores. Erin Black, BA



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS
"Alex" Caroline Robboy is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and an American Board Certified Sexologist. In addition, she is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and a member of the North American Society for Psychological Obstetrics and Gynecology.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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