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How
To
Have
Good
Sex!
Past Tips |
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Pornography
How To Have Good Sex,
Inc.
-
Intimacy & porn
(written by Shan & Claude)
-
Pornography
(written by Shan & Claude)
-
Letter
to the editor - regarding the above answer by Shan & Claude)
-
Porno (written by Shan & Claude)
-
Information on pornography (written
by other sexperts)
HTHGS:
Intimacy & porn
Ask
Shan&Claude,
I have recently been having some issues maintaining intimacy with my husband.
We've been married for almost 3 years now and things are changing. We don't have
kids and I haven't put on any weight, but still--I'm starting to think that he
is no longer attracted to me. He tells me he is, but the only time he wants to
have sex is after viewing tons of Internet porn. Other than that he doesn't seem
interested in me. I've tried everything to turn him on, but he just isn't
receptive anymore. He has slowly turned away from being with me to viewing more
and more porn on the Internet. It's not like sex between us was redundant, we
have tried every position imaginable, but still he seems to prefer the porn. I
don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't
think it's a problem. I'm worried he is addicted to the Internet porn but, can't
seem to find any reputable information about it on the web. I'm not sure if it's
me or something more serious. HELP!!
Dear
TDC,
Does
your husband know how you feel about the internet? People can have affairs
with anything other men or women, TV, sports, and the internet! It sounds
like you feel second to the internet? Is that correct? Maybe you two
could have a conversation about what he likes about the internet? What
does it give him? What does it do for him? Maybe you both could work
at bringing some of the “internet elements” into your relationship?
Maybe there is a way to incorporate the internet or to “share” time?
You and he will have to examine what is and is not okay. Obviously, you
feeling neglected and “out-of-the-loop” is not okay. If it wasn’t
the internet and it was a hobby that was taking up so much time how would you
approach the situation? Is it different because he is masturbating or
because it is porn? These are all good issues to explore with him.
The
internet is so new that there hasn’t been very much reliable research on it
yet. Some people may have what could be classified as an unhealthy
relationship with the internet, possibly even to the point of addiction. The
influencing factor is does your husband think it is a problem? How is it
influencing his other relationships and so forth.
It
is obvious that you are concerned about your relationship and where it will go.
It would be a good investment of time to have some conversations with him about
his internet use and his feelings and motivations and your feelings and needs.
HTHGS: Porn (written by Shan
& Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I don't know how silly you might think this so here I go. I know my husband
likes to look at porn he says it isn't as much as I think but I find stuff that
he down loads off the Internet onto C-D's like pictures or two women together or
even just a man and a women in the act. He hides it from me and I find it I also
can tell when he goes to the web-sites. Does this mean he doesn't find me
attractive anymore and would rather look at those women? Are sex life isn't like
it used to be we used to have sex like 2-4 times a week now we are lucky if we
do it that much in a three week time. It has slowed down a lot more since I got
pregnant now I am about 7 1/2 months along. We have watched the movies together
I do like that sometimes he has been wanting to watch them a lot almost every
time we do it. I just don't know if he even wants to do it with me anymore I try
to initiate it but he ignores me. Now I just give up. I feel stupid trying
stuff. I know he wishes I would experiment a little or be more open. He wants me
to be with another women and not so shy about things. Like we have parties with
out friends he wants me to show my breast and stuff like his friends wife's do.
I am shy and have been self conscious of my weight even before I was pregnant.
Some of this stuff has been before I was pregnant with the movies and stuff. I
don't know if it is me or what. I know it is normal for men to look at porn I
just don't know why he needs to keep so much of it around. I want to have better
sex I just think I don't know how to com-front him. Please help.
Dear Confused in KC,
Because someone enjoys erotica definitely does not mean they have stopped
finding
their partner attractive. Erotica can help
people explore and view their fantasies, it can help people implement variety
into their life. For some people exclusive marriage does still last a
lifetime. Over the course of 50, 60, or 70 years of marriage some people
may enjoy looking - if they cannot act on their fantasies. Not all
fantasies will be acted on or are even meant to be acted on. We would like
to comment about his hiding and you searching. Maybe you two could talk
about that because it sounds a little shameful or hidden. Masturbation and
fantasy can be a wonderful part of a relationship when they can be communicated
openly without fear of judgment or punishment. At the beginning of
relationships sex is often frequent and furious because things are new and hot.
It takes effort and mutual work to keep up that intensity. Also, at the
beginning of many relationships people have not developed close intimacy and sex
oftentimes takes the place of deep closeness. But, as the people create
and discover true emotional intimacy they don’t need sex as much to do that
work. Eventually all new things quit being new and we must find ways to
constantly re-connect and find other ways to make meaning after the newness
wears off. Some people say that "you have to "date" your
entire marriage - and we agree! Congratulations on your pregnancy by the
way! We are also expecting! We have noticed that people tend to look
at and treat pregnant women as not-sexual as if they were holy even though
many pregnant women report being incredibly excited and horny during their
pregnancy! This may explain a piece of his resistance regarding your
initiation. Overall, it sounds like you feel dismissed. Is that accurate?
It sounds like you need to talk with him about what you are comfortable with and
what you need and it will be important for you to hear from him as well.
Pressuring you to be someone you are not or to do something you don’t want to
do is not fair and will only result in you feeling less comfortable trying new
experiences and feeling guilty and angry. We are not sure it has to be a
“confrontation.” If you looked at like a conversation maybe that would
make it less of a battle. It sounds like it has been building up for a
while and it is time to “put the cards on the table” and openly explore his
sexual needs and expectations and yours. If he truly wants you to be more
sexually liberated and comfortable he should welcome such a conversation because
it will have to begin with communication. Shan & Claude
Letter to the editor,
Dear Shan and Claude,
I didn't think your response to 'confused in kc' was very helpful. this guys
enjoys pornography and also has stopped finding his spouse attractive. I am a
licensed marriage and family therapist and when I listen to her story, I hear a
man who is addicted to pornography. he feels a lot of shame for it and
hides it from here. it really isn't about her at all, or her pregnancy.
the guy is unavailable for intimacy with her cuz he spends his time with the
photos. he is unable to be intimate with his wife w/o the addition of a
movie to watch. he is unable to respond to her wive's advances. she
is uncomfortable with his wanting her to show a breast at a party. he
isn't really loving her in his journey, he is loving himself. I would
encourage him to look at this problem very seriously. he should check out
iprodigals.com where men and women can talk about their addiction in a safe and
affirming manner. if you reread her complaint, this isn't a couple
who together enjoys erotica, or an occasional movie. this is a story of a
woman who is lonely because her husband is having an affair with pornography.
anyway, these are my thoughts..... m.s.
HTHGS: Porno (written by Shan &
Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude
,
I don't know how silly you might think this so here I go. I know my husband
likes to look at porn he says it isn't as much as I think but I find stuff that
he down loads off the Internet onto C-D's like pictures or two women together or
even just a man and a women in the act. He hides it from me and I find it I also
can tell when he goes to the web-sites. Does this mean he doesn't find me
attractive anymore and would rather look at those women? Are sex life isn't like
it used to be we used to have sex like 2-4 times a week now we are lucky if we
do it that much in a three week time. It has slowed down a lot more since I got
pregnant now I am about 7 1/2 months along. We have watched the movies together
I do like that sometimes he has been wanting to watch them a lot almost every
time we do it. I just don't know if he even wants to do it with me anymore I try
to initiate it but he ignores me. Now I just give up. I feel stupid trying
stuff. I know he wishes I would experiment a little or be more open. He wants me
to be with another women and not so shy about things. Like we have parties with
out friends he wants me to show my breast and stuff like his friends wife's do.
I am shy and have been self conscious of my weight even before I was pregnant.
Some of this stuff has been before I was pregnant with the movies and stuff. I
don't know if it is me or what. I know it is normal for men to look at porn I
just don't know why he needs to keep so much of it around. I want to have better
sex I just think I don't know how to com-front him. Please help. Thanks Confused
in KC.
Dear Confused in KC,
Because someone enjoys erotica definitely does not mean they have stopped
finding their partner attractive. Erotica can help people explore and view
their fantasies, it can help people implement variety into their life. For
some people exclusive marriage does still last a lifetime. Over the course
of 50, 60, or 70 years of marriage some people may enjoy looking - if they can
not act on their fantasies. Not all fantasies will be acted on or are even
meant to be acted on. We would like to comment about his hiding and you
searching. Maybe you two could talk about that because it sounds a little
shameful or hidden. Masturbation and fantasy can be a wonderful part of a
relationship when they can be communicated openly without fear of judgment or
punishment. At the beginning of relationships sex is often frequent and
furious because things are new and hot. It takes effort and mutual work to
keep up that intensity. Also, at the beginning of many relationships
people have not developed close intimacy and sex oftentimes takes the place of
deep closeness. But, as the people create and discover true emotional
intimacy they don’t need sex as much to do that work. Eventually all new
things quit being new and we must find ways to constantly re-connect and find
other ways to make meaning after the newness wears off. Some people say
that "you have to "date" your entire marriage - and we agree!
Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way! We are also expecting!
We have noticed that people tend to look at and treat pregnant women as
not-sexual as if they were holy even though many pregnant women report being
incredibly excited and horny during their pregnancy! This may explain a
piece of his resistance regarding your initiation. Overall, it sounds like
you feel dismissed. Is that accurate? It sounds like you need to talk with
him about what you are comfortable with and what you need and it will be
important for you to hear from him as well. Pressuring you to be someone you are
not or to do something you don’t want to do is not fair and will only result
in you feeling less comfortable trying new experiences and feeling guilty and
angry. We are not sure it has to be a “confrontation.” If you
looked at like a conversation maybe that would make it less of a battle.
It sounds like it has been building up for a while and it is time to “put the
cards on the table” and openly explore his sexual needs and expectations and
yours. If he truly wants you to be more sexually liberated and comfortable
he should welcome such a conversation because it will have to begin with
communication. Shan & Claude
Letter to the editor,
(RE: The above letter)
I am
not a reader who normally writes back regarding the entries, but as I was
reading the entry from “Confused in KC” this morning, I felt as though the
words were coming right out of my mouth! My husband has been hiding his Internet
downloads and his Pay-Per-View movies (from our cable) for probably 6 months
now. We are currently 4 1/2 months pregnant. I initially came across the web
sites he visits by looking at the history page on our computer, which tracks
every page anyone visits for the past 30 days. Our TV keeps track of all PPV
purchases for 14 days, I think. He repeatedly talks about how good I am in bed
and brags to his friends about me, that I can still do it just as well as I
could before we got pregnant. I had an excellent body before I started
“showing” and all of his friends and co-workers knew it. Still, I couldn’t
understand why he felt he needed to look at these things. I write because I just
thought it was wonderful the way you answered that question; I have been trying
to deal with this for a half a year and was just too shy to actually admit that
it was happening. Now I know that it is not necessarily my fault that he goes to
those sites or watches those movies, and we are planning an evening of dinner,
conversation, and communication. Thank you so much for your letter, “Confused
in KC”, as well as for your outstanding reply, Shan and Claude! They were both
greatly appreciated.
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