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Too Tight

Ask Alex, 
I'm a 23 years old male, and my girlfriend is 21 years old. We've been seeing each other for a year now, and decided we were ready to start having sex. My girlfriend went to the doctor and started taking the pill, and we're using condoms also. We're both virgins and were never involved in a previous sexual relationship. When we tried it for the first time it hurt her a great deal, she described the pain as much like menstruation pain. She also bled a little (but I know it's normal). Since then we tried two more times and it still hurts her a lot. We had a lot of foreplay before the actual penetration and she seems very aroused and wet.

 Nonetheless we tried using KY jell, but it doesn't seem to help much. She's very tensed when we have sex and she contracts her muscles, she says she does not want to but can't help it. Instead of releasing the muscles, she contracts them even more so it hurts more. After a while she gets very tired and so do I, because I have to hold myself in the air so it won't hurt her.

We tried different positions, but she says she's most comfortable with the missionary one.  She says she feels I'm very deep inside of her, when all I really can insert, before it starts hurting so much, is just the head of my penis. She talked to her mother and sister and they both told her it hurt them very much too, and took them a few attempts before they could do it. I'm willing to try as much as she needs but she gets very frustrated with the situation. I suggested that maybe she wasn't really ready but she says she is very ready. We even thought using some alcohol so she'd get more free, but I'm afraid she'll get to drunk and fall asleep, or won't remember anything in the morning, so the next time will be hurtful again. I tried suggesting I inserted a finger into her but she says the idea repulses her. Also, she never used tampons.

Is this situation normal? Should we just make some more attempts and it will be O.K? Do you have any other advice for us? I tried reading as much on the subject as I can, but I found no solution. Thanks in advance, Udi

Dear Udi, 
My guess is that your situation is normal. Though, just to be sure, I highly recommend that your partner has a medical check up with her regular GYN. Once you can rule out all potential medical reasons for this issue to be occurring, it may be that your partner is not used to having anything inside of her. If this is the case, you can expect that it will take a long of practicing (which can be quite fun) while she gets used to having something inside of her. 

In general, coitus (eg. Sex) is always more difficult if you are
*Uncomfortable using a tampon
*Uncomfortable with finger stimulation inside of you
* tensing your vaginal muscles

1) Practice all of the above three things....
2) practice having sex - once you are inside of her - instead of continuing to thrust...stop and talk to her - by this I mean verbally re-assure her it is ok to relax her vaginal muscles, in fact you could have her practice squeezing and releasing with you inside of her - you will then be her gage as to how hard she is squeezing
3) you could also practice with a small dildo - or she could do so on her own
4) focus on the other parts of your sexual relationship - there is much much more than just intercourse - and when she is ready she will initiate things (sometimes focusing on 'getting the hang of sex' can be a turn off - it depends upon the exact relationship that the two of you 

This tip was originally written by Alex Robboy, LSW.


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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 19, 2006