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Anal Sex

HTHGS: Can't cum & anal Sex

   Ask Erika,
   Hi there!! My name is Steve and I'm a 24 year old white male who's got a question for you. I'm seeing this black girl right now and we've had sex a number of times. Some times we go for 3,4 or more hours having great hot sex......but, there are times I can be with in the 2nd or 3rd hour, hard as a rock and having a good rhythm going and I can be fucking her as hard as I can (she likes it that way) and I just don't feel the feeling or need to cum. What's the matter with me? It discourages her a little bit because she wants me to cum 3 or 4 times. It's like there are days I can cum for her 3 or 4 times and like a switch the next day, I end up cumming once. I need help. Also can you give me some techniques on how I can make HER cum for me
   while I'm fucking her??
   Also the girl I'm seeing wants me to have anal sex with her. What  kind of lubrication should I use for her?? What are some techniques can use/try for when I first enter her ass?? Is it alright for me to put all of my penis into her ass (My cock is 7 inches)?  your fan, Steve
   Dear Steve,
   Thanks for writing in with your questions. To begin with, it is NORMAL after ejaculating a number of times for it to take longer or perhaps not happen at all. It's important to know that there is nothing wrong with you if you can't cum 3 or 4 times in a row. Most men have what is called a "refractory period," which is the time after orgasm / ejaculation during which arousal and erection are difficult or even impossible. The more you orgasm / ejaculate, the longer it can take to become aroused again. So, be reassured that what you are experiencing is a normal part of male physiology. You may also want to explore with your partner (through honest communication) why it is important to her for you to cum 3 or 4 times. It may be that this puts pressure on you, which, psychologically, can also diminish arousal. But just keep in mind that physiologically what you are experiencing is normal.
   As far as techniques to pleasure her, the best way to find out what she likes is to ask her. You may want to ask for specific directions during sex or discuss it before or after and then try some new things. Most women need some sort of clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse and may not be able to orgasm from penile  thrusting alone. Some ways to stimulate the clitoris include: the women-on-top position in which the clitoris rubs against your pelvic bone, the side-to-side position, or have you or her manually stimulate her clitoris (with your hand or a vibrator) during intercourse.
   Regarding your question about anal sex, if you and she have never experimented with anal stimulation (including intercourse) before, there are a few steps I recommend that you take before having intercourse. First, it is a good idea to try inserting an object (i.e., finger) into her anus first before trying your penis. The reason for this is that the anus consists of a very tight muscle, called the sphincter muscle. It can relax enough to accommodate a penis but gaining control over this muscle takes practice. Open communication is very very important during anal play. It is critical that you and she communicate about how far to go and how it feels. Have her give you feedback and let her control how far, how much etc. The best advice is to take it slow and talk about it.
   It is best to use a thick, water-based lubricant for anal play such as KY Jelly. Do not use oil-based lubricants such as Vaseline because they can clog pores. Most importantly, oil-based lubricants cause the latex in condoms to deteriorate and break. Speaking of condoms, you need to know that anal sex is one of the riskiest activities you can do in terms of contracting an infection, particularly HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. The lining of the anus is made up of thin, fragile tissue that can tear easily, which creates a direct opening into the  blood system through which the virus can pass. Thus, it is critical  that you wear a condom if you are at ANY risk for infections,  including HIV. For more excellent information about healthy anal  sexual activity, check out the book Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack  Morin, Ph.D. (Yes Press, 1986).   Take care and enjoy,    Erika
   This tip was originally written by Erika Pluhar, Ph.D.



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 19, 2006